


Are We Damned?

by EmmaB13



Category: Glee
Genre: BARE: a pop opera - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 36
Words: 21,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaB13/pseuds/EmmaB13
Summary: McKinley High's glee club performs the musical Bare. However, they quickly see parallels between the show and their real lives, while members struggle to discover and accept themselves.Each chapter will have warnings, but general warning that there is alcohol and drug use throughout the fic.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson/Sam Evans
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17





	1. Epiphany

"Congratulations on your win at sectionals, guys!" Mr. Schuester said, standing in front of the whiteboard, marker in hand. "Now, it's time to talk about where we're going next. We don't have to start working on our set for regionals just yet, so I was thinking... How about another musical?"

"Please be Funny Girl..." Rachel said.

"Or Chicago," Kurt said. He looked over at Blaine, had fallen asleep with his head on Kurt's shoulder.

"Neither!" Mr. Schuester opened his marker and wrote something on the board. "Bare."

"What's Bare?" Sam asked.

"It's an off-Broadway show from the early 2000s. It's about a school production of Romeo and Juliet featuring struggles of sexuality, drug use, mental health, teen pregnancy... I think it's a very important show," Mr. Schuester explained. He picked up a pile of scripts and passed them out. "Auditions start next week."

Had Blaine been listening, he would have been excited about the show, not because it was one he had heard of, but because of what the show dealt with. He could relate to it quite a bit, at least struggles with mental health and sexuality, two things he'd been having trouble with quite a bit recently. But instead, he was asleep, stuck in a nightmare that felt almost too real to him:

_Walking through the hallway was hard enough with everyone staring. The insults made it worse, but even worse than that, the whispering. Blaine didn't know what they were talking about, if it was even about him at all, but he was sure it was. The football team stood in front of them, including Finn, Sam, Puck, and Mike, the ones that had claimed to be his friends before. He didn't understand what the issue was, just because he liked boys he should be targeted? The group yelled insults at him, which he tried to just ignore - it wasn't worth his attention, they were only trying to upset him, don't give them what they want. He was shoved into a locker, and he wasn't sure what hurt more - the physical pain, or the fact that he was pushed by Sam, his former best friend. He should have known to stay in the closet, the same thing happened at his old school, everyone turned against him when they found out his secret. He ran home, doing everything he could to avoid someone from school seeing him. When he arrived, he immediately heard even more insults, this time from his brother, Cooper, who was previously the only family he had left. The last family member he came out to. He should have learned after what happened with his parents... He wished he kept his secret forever, but that wouldn't be fair to Kurt, would it?_

Kurt shook Blaine awake. "Hey, are you okay?"

Blaine opened his eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine... Just stayed up late doing homework," he said, looking around the room. "Where is everyone?"

"They left a few minutes ago." Kurt handed Blaine a script. "This is for the next musical. Auditions are next week. Interested?"

Blaine flipped through the script. Based on what he saw, he was interested in the show. He wanted to audition, of course. "I'll think about it." He closed the script and left. 

Blaine loved Kurt more than anything, he always had. He wanted the world to know, but he couldn't say anything. He was able to be open about who he was at Dalton, nobody could do anything there. It was the perfect place for him, he felt truly at home. But Kurt came along, and he left that behind for him. Back to a public school, one that had made Kurt transfer due to bullying about his sexuality. Blaine had the same experience at his first school, that was why he transferred to Dalton. He had been fairly popular before, but once they learned he was gay, everyone turned against him. Once he told his parents, his father's abuse only got worse, and his mother did nothing about it. So he switched schools and moved in with his brother. He wasn't out to Cooper, he couldn't risk losing him as well.

When he got home, Blaine fully read through the script and listened to the soundtrack. The show expressed his feelings almost too well. He wanted to see it come to life, his story, but could he bring himself to audition? He convinced himself that if he did get a part, everyone would know the truth, everyone would turn against him...


	2. You & I

Kurt ran up to Blaine, who was standing at his locker, staring at the pictures he had hung up inside. "Hey! Why did you leave without me yesterday?"

Blaine closed his locker, then leaned against it. "I was tired, remember? And you could have followed, I never told you not to."

"I guess... You know, you really are impossible sometimes." Kurt's tone had changed quickly. At first, he had seemed happy to see Blaine, but now he just seemed annoyed. 

Blaine was confused, not sure what had caused the sudden change. "What are you talking about?"

Kurt shrugged. "Sometimes it just seems like... Maybe, you don't want to be with me."

"I do! I just..." Blaine sighed and took a few steps closer. "You know I don't really...want to tell anyone about us, because-"

"You're ashamed?" Kurt interrupted.

"No! I just don't know how they'll react. What happened at my first school, with my parents... It even happened to you!"

"Hey guys!" Finn said, running up to Kurt and Blaine. Blaine quickly backed away from Kurt. "So, you guys are gonna do the show, right? Because I'm kind of confused by the script, like...where are the words? Because there's only, like...ten lines, and the rest is singing..."

"It doesn't have dialogue, it's sung through," Kurt explained, seeming annoyed. "Now go, we're talking about something important." Blaine glared at Kurt.

"Huh?" Finn looked over at Blaine. "Oh. Uh, sorry. See you later!" He waved, then left, still trying to figure out the script.

"Seriously?" Kurt said. "You're worried about him?"

"Yes! You told me about him, when he first found out, he didn't accept you! He called you-"

"When he first found out," Kurt interrupted. "He's changed. A lot. He accepts me now, and he'd accept you too."

Then Rachel came up to them. "I see Finn was talking to you. Was it about the script? Because he asked me about it too," she said.

"It was," Kurt replied. "Now, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could-"

"Oh hey, Blaine," Rachel said. "Didn't see you there. Are you doing the show? I mean, I'm guessing you are. Hm... I think you'd make a good Jason. And me as Ivy? That's perfect. We might as well start rehearsing now!" She winked at him before walking away.

Blaine watched her go. He wondered why she picked those characters. Ivy and Jason did have some sort of relationship in the show, but that couldn't be the reason. Jason was very similar to Blaine, gay and in the closet. That must be why. "Did she say that because she knows I'm-?"

"No," Kurt interrupted. "I think she said that because she was trying to flirt. And you wonder why I doubt you..."

"Why?"

"Because you're so hidden! And it doesn't help that girls are after you! How do I know you won't give in to one of them to save your image?"

"Can you stop yelling before someone hears you?"

"Can you accept who you are before it's too late?!"

Blaine sighed and took Kurt's hand, leading him into the janitor's closet. "I hate being in here, but if you won't shut up, I don't have much of a choice."

"God, you're pathetic," Kurt said, rolling his eyes. "Have you even told Cooper?"

Blaine shook his head. "You know what happened with my parents. I'll tell him when I'm ready, okay? I'll tell everyone when I'm ready. But I'm not. You need to respect that and stop trying to force me."

"Whatever... So, have you decided if you're doing the show? Because that may be the only chance I'll ever get to say 'I love you' in front of people..."

"I haven't decided, but I don't think so. I have a busy schedule, so-"

"You do not!" Kurt interrupted.

"Can you stop interrupting?"

"I know you want to do the show. Can you stop lying to yourself? About the show, about who you are? Do you ever tell the truth? Are you even sure you have feelings for me?"

"Of course I do, I just... Please, please keep it a secret for just a little bit longer..."

Kurt sighed. "Fine. On one condition."

Blaine groaned. "What?"

"It's nothing bad. What are you expecting? It's just...I miss you. You know, with having to hide all the time, I don't get much of your attention anymore, not like how I used to. And while I'd like to stop hiding... I'll respect your choice." He kissed him. 

"Thank you, but... Whatever you want, can't it wait until we get home, at least?" Blaine gently pushed Kurt back a bit. 

"Do you really think anyone will know we're in here?"

"I don't know..."

"They won't." He kissed him again. "I promise you, they won't."

"Alright. I'll trust you." 

"Good." Kurt smiled and kissed Blaine again, pinning him again the wall. 

"Remember, quiet."

Kurt nodded. "I know."


	3. Role of a Lifetime

Finn noticed frequent changes in Kurt's mood, but never said anything about it. He was a bit worried, but knew that if Kurt wanted him to know, he would tell him.

First, he seemed happy about something, but that wasn't long after he transferred to Dalton. Finn assumed that must be the reason, new friends, no more bullying. But lately he seemed sad, annoyed, even angry at times. Finn had no idea what could have caused that, everything seemed to have gotten better.

Finally, Finn decided to ask what was going on. He knocked on the door of Kurt's bedroom, hoping he'd be let in. After a few minutes, Kurt opened the door. "Oh, it's just you... Hey, Finn. What's up?"

"Um... Well, you seemed kind of sad lately, I just wanted to know what happened," Finn explained.

Kurt sighed. "Okay... Well, can you keep a secret?" Finn nodded. "Good. So... I have this... friend..." He shook his head. "I'm not hiding, I'm not like him," he mumbled. "I have a boyfriend, and-"

"That's great!" Finn interrupted.

"Shush," Kurt said. "He doesn't want anyone to know, he wants to keep it a secret. He's not out to anyone at school, not including me of course. He didn't even tell some of his family. And it's hard, I know, but I can't help but wonder... Can I trust him?"

"I mean... I don't see why not. Isn't being gay, like...hard? Well, telling people, at least. You got bullied for it, I remember, because I had to help you."

Kurt couldn't help but laugh a bit. Finn's explanations and poor attempts at understanding was probably his favorite thing about him, he appreciated that he tried at all when he was clearly confused. "Well, yes. It is. And I know he's had some...not so great experiences. But what if he didn't tell anyone because he's not sure? Or maybe he's ashamed of me?"

"That's, no offense, that's ridiculous. Okay? He just needs time."

"But..." Kurt sighed. "If he's not ready to accept himself, is he ready for a relationship? Should I leave?"

Finn shrugged. "That's your choice, not mine."

"Very helpful."

"What? I don't know what you should do! It's your relationship, not mine. You know what I think? You should talk to him about this."

"Don't you think I've tried? We had to go in the janitor's closet just to talk!"

"Don't rush him, okay? I don't know about...this stuff, but I do know it's hard. He has a reason to hide, probably."

Kurt nodded. "I know. I'm being too hard on him."

"You are," Finn said. "But he's not being too great either. You know, whoever messes with my little bro is an enemy, or something."

Kurt smiled a bit. "He's not an enemy, Finn. Really, it's fine."

"Gotcha." 

"You're such a nerd."

"Am not! What did I even do?"

Kurt shrugged. "You just are. Oh, and...thanks for your help."

"Yeah, thanks for telling me. If you need anything else, just, uh... Come talk to me."

Kurt nodded. "Will do."

"Nice." Finn smiled, then went back to his room. Despite siding with Blaine, he was still angry at him for upsetting Kurt and making him doubt their relationship. He wished Kurt had used names so he could talk to Blaine as well and hear his side of things, maybe help him out and tell him that nobody will turn against him, but he understood it had to be a secret.

Kurt wanted to call Blaine, to apologize for being so hard on him, but he was scared of it turning into an argument. That always seemed to happen, whatever his intention was, Blaine found a way to twist it. He eventually gave in and called, but Blaine didn't pick up. He left a voicemail simply asking for Blaine to call back, not bothering to explain anything yet.

Blaine was sitting on his bed, a sketchbook on his lap. He had drawn himself and Kurt, how he wished they could be. Happy, not hiding anymore. He did want that, whether it seemed that way or not. Then he picked up a red pen and started writing on top of the drawing, then began to write on his skin instead.

_Play the part._

_Fantasy._

_Battles._

_Silent fear._

_Lonely._

_Forget._

_Confused._

_Bury._

_Play the straight man._

_Savior or a phase?_

_Play pretend._


	4. Auditions

Auditions were held in the auditorium, with everyone waiting for their turn in the choir room. Kurt arrived early and looked around, waiting for Blaine to show up. He saw almost the entire club, but Blaine wasn't there. Of course he wasn't, why would he be? He considered texting, but that wouldn't change anything. 

"So, who is everyone auditioning for?" Rachel asked. "Although it's not my typical role, I'm going for Ivy. A lead is a lead."

"Also Ivy," Quinn said. "And I know you have a tendency to go all diva on your competition, but I suggest you don't try that with me."

"Of course, second to Quinn Fabray once again," Rachel said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, cut it out, both of you!" Santana said. "I couldn't care less what role I get!"

"Well, as the best rapper here, I'm obviously going for Lucas," Artie said.

"I wouldn't be so hopeful," Puck said. "I basically am Lucas. Drug dealer, bottom of the class... The role I was born to play."

"The only role you could play," Mercedes added. "And I don't care what anyone else says, I'm playing Sister Chantelle. We are not having another Maria situation." She turned to Rachel, who rolled her eyes again.

"I think I'd be a good Nadia... What do you guys think?" Tina asked.

"Both invisible," Rachel replied.

"Rachel, nobody wants to deal with you. Okay?" Santana said. "I'm sure Lady Hummel is auditioning for Peter?"

"Do I have a choice?" Kurt asked. "I don't mind it, but my options are limited... I wish Blaine was here to audition for Jason though..."

"Someone has a crush," Rachel teased. Kurt glared at her.

"And the rest of the boys, with the exception of Puck and Artie, I'm assuming you're all going for Matt?" Santana asked. "You can't risk your reputation by playing a gay guy, isn't that what you all think?"

"Well, yeah... But that's not why!" Sam replied. "I just... I don't really want a lead."

"You keep telling yourself that."

Mr. Schuester began calling people in to audition. Kurt waited, hoping he'd be able to go last. He wanted to wait for as long as he could, just in case Blaine came. 

Eventually, Blaine did come, although very late. "Did I miss auditions?" he asked.

"Not quite," Kurt replied. "Changed your mind?"

"I guess," Blaine shrugged.

"Please tell me your auditioning for Jason."

Blaine shook his head. "Matt. I don't want a lead."

"Sure, that's why..." They both knew Blaine was going for Matt because he worried that Jason would somehow lead to people finding out he was gay, which Kurt thought was a ridiculous thing to even consider.

The cast list was posted the next day:

_Peter Simmonds \- Kurt Hummel  
Jason McConnell \- Blaine Anderson  
Nadia McConnell \- Santana Lopez  
Ivy Robinson \- Quinn Fabray  
Matt Lloyd \- Sam Evans  
Lucas Carter \- Noah Puckerman  
Claire Simmonds \- Rachel Berry  
Sister Chantelle \- Mercedes Jones  
Father Flynn \- Finn Hudson_

"Seriously? I got the mom?" Rachel asked. "I'll have to talk to Mr. Schue about this..."

"Or you could accept that you can't have every lead," Quinn said.

"Be happy you got a part," Tina said.

"Yeah, yeah... You're always robbed," Santana said. She pushed past Rachel and looked at the cast list, then walked away without a word. 

"Hey, Artie," Puck said. "You're gonna have to help me with my rapping."

"Can do," Artie replied, high-fiving Puck.

Kurt checked the list, then smiled and went to tell Blaine. "Hey, I know it's not what you wanted, but we got Peter and Jason."

"Great. I can't wait," Blaine said, faking a smile. He turned and walked away before Kurt could say anything else. He took out his phone and called his brother. "Hey, Coop. Remember that musical I told you about?"

"Yeah, I remember. Don't remember much though," Cooper replied.

"Well, I got the lead. It's not the part I wanted, but... Yeah." 

"That's great!" Cooper said. "I'll definitely be there. I'm sure mom will be too. And... We'll see about dad. I'll do my best."

"Yeah. Thanks." Blaine hung up and sighed. Cooper didn't know why their father hated him. There's no way he'd want to see the show. And what if Cooper started hating him too? He considered quitting, he did want to do the show, but not if it meant outing himself. But that wouldn't be fair to everyone else, and what would Kurt think? Maybe it would be different if his character wasn't dating Kurt's... 

He decided to go to the choir room for a bit, at least until he calmed down a bit. He didn't know what he'd say if Cooper asked what was wrong.


	5. Plain Jane Fat Ass

Blaine walked into the choir room, which he was expecting to be empty, and saw Santana sitting by herself. "Oh hey, Tana. Wasn't expecting to see you here. What's up?"

Santana looked up and faked a smile. "Nothing, really.... It's just, um... Do you think I look fat?"

That definitely wasn't Blaine was expecting to hear. He couldn't remember any other time where Santana said something like that, where she showed her vulnerability. He wasn't really sure how to react, although he knew what he wanted to say. He hoped she wouldn't take his hesitation as a bad thing. "No, not at all. What makes you think you do?"

"Then why did I get Nadia? Do you know how many times they mention her weight in the script? I'd rather have ensemble. Or even be cut."

He sighed and sat beside her. "It has nothing to do with your weight. I'll admit, it was a poor casting choice, but I promise it was based on your personality. Think about how similar you two are. You both hate everyone and you're not afraid to admit it."

She laughed a bit at that. "Thank you, but it's easy for you to look on the bright side. You're the lead."

"I have to admit, I'm not too happy about my part either," he said. She turned to him, confused. What was there to dislike? Blaine knew she was waiting for an explanation, but he didn't know what to say. The only person at McKinley he was out to was Kurt, even his own brother didn't know. He wasn't sure he could trust Santana, and they weren't really close either, so telling her might be weird. Blaine didn't know that Santana was also closeted. "I guess I can tell you, I haven't really told anyone... Well, people at my first school knew, but they... They didn't react too well. Then the guys at Dalton knew, they were okay with it, but I don't know if they really were or if they just had to be... My dad left when he found out, my mom doesn't seem to care too much, but I don't know... My own brother doesn't even know. I only told one person here because I'm scared of what everyone else will say. I'm talking too much, aren't I? Anyway... I'm gay. And I don't want to play Jason because... I guess it's stupid to even think, but what if people find out? What if they think, his performance is too real, he must be gay?"

"They're not going to think that," Santana said. She considered telling him that she was also in the closet, and for similar reasons, but decided against it. She wasn't ready yet, and although it was clear he wasn't either, she couldn't bring herself to say it. "And I won't hate you or anything, and I won't tell anyone. But just remember, no matter what, all the glee kids will have your back. I mean, we've always supported Kurt even when the rest of the world was against him, why would you be any different?" She felt like a bit of a hypocrite, telling Blaine there was no reason to be scared when she felt the same way, but unlike him, she had a reputation to keep up with the entire school, and outside of glee club, they weren't so accepting.

"I know, but... Kurt got bullied out of the school when everyone found out..."

"Yeah, and now he's left alone, for the most part. I'm not saying you have to come out, but just know you don't have to be afraid. And no matter what, I'll always be here."

He smiled. "Thanks. God, I made this all about me... You must have something to talk about too, right? You started this conversation. So, what's on your mind?" 

She didn't really care to talk about herself. She wanted to keep up her reputation - confident, not caring what anyone thought, not scared of anything - and she couldn't do that if she opened up. But he had talked to her about his struggles, and it couldn't hurt. Besides, it might be good to get her feelings out. "I've never been happy with myself," she admitted. "I blame Sue, at least partially, to be honest... She taught us to care about our appearance, that everyone is judging us, that we have to be perfect, skinny, that we can't rest, we can barely even eat until we are. And it's hard to get those thoughts out of my head when it's all I hear every day..." 

"Santana, you're beautiful. Okay? Everyone knows it. You don't have to change for anyone. You don't owe them anything. And Sue is a monster, don't listen to anything she tells you. Do you know how many people in this school wish they were you? It's a lot. And just because you got some stupid part in a musical doesn't mean anything. And besides, Nadia's weight isn't important. Look at the people that played her. Some of them look like you. Don't let your part define you. Please. I know it's hard to get Sue's words out of your head, but she's wrong. She's always wrong. About everything." 

Again, she had to laugh. "You're good at making me smile, even if your advice kinda sucks."

"Thanks, I think."

"Yeah, of course."

"Oh, and like you said, I'm always here for you."

"Thank you. You know, I never expected you to be the person I open up to. But I'm not complaining." 

He smiled. "I can say the same."

"Thanks."

"Well, Santana... Looks like it's me and you against... Well, everyone."

Santana nodded. "Me and you against everyone."

"Am I allowed to hug you?"

She pretended to think about it. "I'll allow it."

"Thank you!" He smiled and gave her a quick hug.

"Of course. Now, let's get back out there before anyone suspects something."


	6. Wonderland

Blaine and Santana walked to the auditorium together, knowing Mr. Schuester was planning to hold a meeting about the musical there. He hadn't arrived yet, but everyone else had. Everyone was standing in front of the stage with the exception of Kurt, who was sitting in the audience, and Puck, who was standing onstage and speaking to the group about something. Santana joined the group, and Blaine sat beside Kurt. "Hey, why are you by yourself?" Blaine asked.

"Puck wants to have a party this weekend, and I'm not interested in going," Kurt explained. "I think it's a terrible idea." He raised his voice a bit when he said that, hoping Puck would hear, not that it would change anything.

"Why not?" Blaine asked. "It can't be that bad. It'll be fun! And you went to the last house party, and you had fun then!"

"Yeah, like you'd remember that," Kurt mumbled.

"Hey!"

"I'm not going."

"You are." Blaine took Kurt's hand and led him to the group.

"So, you may be wondering, what happens at a Puckerman party?" Puck said, continuing his speech to everyone. "Nothing like you've ever experienced before. We've got plenty of alcohol to go around, but that's not all. I have some other treats as well, if you know what I mean."

"Puck, no offense, but nobody cares about your drugs," Kurt said.

"That's where you're wrong," Puck replied. "Just wait and see."

"I'm. Not. Going."

"You are," Blaine said. He leaned over to whisper in Kurt's ear. "Please?"

"No."

"Quick warning," Puck said. "When it comes to this stuff, remember to be careful. If you're not... Artie, would you like to tell our lovely audience what will happen if they're not responsible?"

"Death," Artie replied.

"Exactly!"

"I never thought Puck would be giving us a lesson in responsibility," Quinn said.

"Says the teen mom," Rachel mumbled. Quinn shoved her, but was pulled back by Santana.

"No fighting, kids," Santana said.

The day of the party, Kurt pulled Sam aside during rehearsal. "I'm not sure how trustworthy you are, but you might be my best option. You are going to the party, right?"

"Yeah, I guess. There's no reason not to," Sam replied.

"Perfect. If you don't mind, could you watch Blaine for me? I'm worried that..." He paused. He was worried that Blaine wouldn't be loyal, but he couldn't say that was the reason. "I don't know, I'm just protective, I guess."

"Sure, I can do that." 

"Thank you. Oh, and if he does anything stupid, call me and I'll come." He hoped Sam would understand what he meant by that, he couldn't exactly say it in a better way without giving away their secret.

Blaine kept trying to convince Kurt to change his mind, but he still refused to go. He eventually gave up, knowing there was no chance of changing his mind. He wondered if there was any other reason why Kurt may have wanted to skip the party besides just thinking it was a bad idea, but he decided not to ask. He knew Kurt would just deny it.

Sam gave Blaine a ride to the party. "So, Kurt isn't coming," Sam said when Blaine got in the car. "He told me I'm supposed to watch you or something, he doesn't want you doing anything stupid. So don't think you can get away with anything."

"Wait, what did he tell you?" Blaine asked, immediately thinking Sam knew about their relationship.

"He just told me to call him if you do something stupid, I don't know why. He said he's protective of you."

"Okay then..." Blaine calmed down a bit, but he still wasn't sure that Sam didn't at least suspect something.


	7. A Quiet Night At Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self harm

Kurt was in his room, skimming a book. He didn't really have any interest in it, but he had to seem busy in case Finn came in. Burt and Carole were out, so he'd have the house to himself once Finn left. 

He heard a knock on his bedroom door. "Hey, it's Finn. I was just gonna ask one more time, are you sure you don't want to go? I'm leaving now, but I don't mind waiting if you want to get ready and come with me."

"I don't want to go," Kurt said. "Have fun, don't do anything stupid, don't stay out too late, and most importantly, good luck."

"Isn't it supposed to be 'most importantly, have fun?'" Finn asked. "Whatever. You sound like my mom... But if you change your mind, just come. Or text me and I'll pick you up, if you don't wanna take two cars."

"I'm not changing my mind. Just go."

"Alright, alright... I'll see you later." Finn waited a few moments, just in case Kurt changed his mind, then left.

Kurt watched from the window as Finn's car pulled away. He smiled a bit when the car disappeared down the block, happy to finally be alone. He went to the living room and laid on the couch rather than staying in his room. He almost wished he had gone with Finn, but he knew he wouldn't have enjoyed the party anyway. Besides, it was nice to have some time by himself.

He wondered what was happening at the party and considered asking someone, but didn't want to seem annoying, or make someone feel bad that he was missing out. He kept checking his phone in case he got a call or text from Sam, but he never did. It was probably a good thing, but he was still a bit worried that something might be happening, or that Sam wasn't actually watching Blaine like he had asked. He wished he had asked for updates rather than just hearing if something happened, but he didn't want to ask now.

Trust was important in a relationship. That was the main reason why Kurt even considered breaking up with Blaine. Maybe he was overreacting, but it was hard for him to be with someone who insisted they keep their relationship a secret. He wondered if it would be the same if Blaine was with someone else, if he'd hide no matter who he was with, or if Kurt was part of the problem.

He couldn't help but question if Blaine had fallen out of love, or if he was ever in love to begin with. He didn't know why he'd lie, unless he only agreed to the relationship because he felt bad saying no. That would be a good reason to hide, not wanting to risk anything for someone he never truly loved.

Kurt didn't know why he did this to himself, why he always thought of the worst case scenario and convinced himself it was true. Blaine being afraid to come out was valid, there didn't need to be any explanation besides the one he was given. But he couldn't stop convincing himself there was something more, that he was somehow the problem. And he hated himself for that. He hated his paranoia, his anxiety, his constant need for reassurance that everything was okay. He hated everything, everything, everything.

He didn't know how it happened, he didn't remember doing anything, but the next thing he knew, he was holding a paperclip, bent so it was straight. The end of the paperclip was pressed into his skin at the end of a fresh cut. He dropped the paperclip and ran to clean the cut. He had completely forgotten about the party and wasn't worrying anymore, now the only thing he was thinking was how angry he was at himself. It had been years since he last considered doing something like this, he spent years convincing himself not to, and now it seemed all he'd done was gone. 

Maybe being alone wasn't the best thing for him right now. He didn't want to go to the party, but he couldn't stay by himself. He got in the car and started driving to Puck's, hoping he wouldn't regret going.


	8. Rolling

Sam spent the entirety of the party keeping an eye on Blaine, just like Kurt had asked him to do. Nothing had happened, although he wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to be watching for. He was laying on the couch, Blaine on top of him. All around them, people were dancing and laughing together, but Blaine didn't seem to be interested in any of that. Sam didn't mind though, he want either. Sam didn't even want to be here, he wasn't sure why he came. He wasn't convinced he would until Kurt asked him to keep an eye on Blaine, and if that hadn't happened, he probably would have stayed home as well. He almost felt like the parent of the group, along with Finn, the only two who were on the couch while the rest of the group was up and dancing, and the only two who stayed sober, or at least close enough to it. 

"Where's Kurt?" Blaine asked for the third time.

"Not here," Sam replied. "He's not coming. He wanted to stay home, remember?"

"Oh... Can we get him?"

"No, maybe you can see him tomorrow." Sam didn't want to bother Kurt and ask if he could come, he knew he wouldn't be happy here. He didn't want to ask to bring Blaine over either, he wasn't sure Kurt would want to deal with him right now. 

"Why?"

"He's very busy. Doing things." 

Blaine frowned. "Too busy for me?" 

"Unfortunately. Again, you can see him tomorrow."

"Can you call him?"

"I tried, he didn't answer." He didn't actually try, and he didn't plan to. He hoped Blaine didn't realize that. 

"Mean..."

"Me?"

"No, him. For ignoring me."

"He's not mean, Blainey. Just busy."

Blaine sighed, then stayed quiet for a moment. "Where is he?"

"He's not here."

"Okay, but where?"

Sam decided to have a little fun, knowing Blaine would more than likely believe anything he said. "Death Star. He's trying to defeat Darth Vader before he destroys the world. He promised to tell Han Solo you said hi."

"Woah... Can he come after?"

Sam shook his head. "Said he'll be there all night."

"Tomorrow?"

"You can see him tomorrow, if he's not too tired."

"Okay." Sam smiled a bit, amused by the fact that Blaine actually seemed to believe his story. Then again, he knew that alcohol and drugs could make a person incredibly stupid sometimes. 

They were both, for the most part, quiet after that. Blaine did ask about Kurt a few more times, and Sam kept responding with equally as ridiculous stories. He was enjoying making them up, and even more than that, he enjoyed Blaine's reactions - almost always believing the story, no matter how weird or different from the previous ones it was. Eventually, the door opened and Sam looked up, immediately thinking they were about to get in trouble and he and Finn would be their only chance at getting out of it, since it was too late for anyone to be showing up, and everyone that said they were coming had arrived hours earlier. "Kurt? What are you doing here?" Sam knew that, chances were, Kurt couldn't hear him. They were a bit far from the door, and the music, as well as the people, were very loud.

Kurt looked around before spotting Sam and Blaine, then went over to them. "Hello. I wasn't going to come, but I thought it through, and...I think it's best that I came."

"I wasn't doing anything with him, I swear," Sam said. "I was tired so I laid down, then he laid on top."

"It's alright, I don't care if you were." Kurt was a bit confused about why Sam even mentioned that, why would he think Kurt would care if he didn't know they were a couple? And if Blaine was drunk or high, maybe both, it wasn't too unreasonable to believe he said something. Not that he would mind, he almost hoped he did say something, but he knew that Blaine didn't want to and he'd definitely regret it, no matter how Sam reacted.

"He's been asking for you," Sam said. "I made up these crazy stories about where you were. Like fighting Vader and stuff. He seemed to believe them. ...Maybe I shouldn't have let him drink so much. Or smoke."

"It's fine. Was he really asking for me?"

"Yeah. He even wanted to go get you. He really wanted to see you for some reason."

"Aww, Blaine, is that true?"

Blaine nodded. "I missed you so much... Can we go outside?"

Kurt knew why Blaine wanted to go outside - to hide, so he could say he loved him or kiss him, or even hug him, without anyone knowing. But still, he asked, "Why?"

"I need some air... Come on, just for a minute."

"Alright, fine... Let's go then. Sam, you stay. Thanks for your help." Kurt took Blaine's hand then led, but almost carried, Blaine outside. Finn had gone out a while ago, he needed a break from all the noise. But neither Kurt or Blaine noticed, Kurt was too distracted by Blaine, who was barely aware of his surroundings. 


	9. Best Kept Secret

"I know why you wanted to come out here," Kurt said. "You wanted to hide. We don't have to. Nobody will care, they probably won't even notice."

"You don't get it," Blaine replied. "They can't know."

"But why not?" 

"Because they can't!"

"Calm down..."

Blaine ignored Kurt. "They weren't so nice when you came out! And remember what happened at my old school? Before Dalton?" Blaine had told that story a few times - he had always been bullied, and one day, at a school dance, he and his openly gay friend were jumped and badly beaten. "You know what it's like at home?" He'd mentioned that a few times as well, the abusive father who only pretended to be nice when he was doing something like fixing cars, the mother who left, and the perfect brother, who was only better because he was straight. "I'm not gonna let that happen again. I actually have something here."

"Have you seen how everyone treats me now though?" Kurt asked. "I have plenty of friends, and Karofsky hasn't done anything recently. It's fine. Really."

"It's not fine!"

"If you could just talk it out without yelling-"

"You're not listening!"

"I am, you're not. Please. I love you, okay? That's why I want everyone to know. I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to have to whisper, or find some place where nobody can see us. I know you're scared, but I'm telling you there's no reason to be. Nobody is going to hurt you. You have me, and I know I'm not that strong, but I'll protect you. You have Finn, Sam, Santana, Puck... You have all of us, and nothing can change that. I promise." He smiled and gave Blaine a quick kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too..." Blaine looked around, making sure nobody saw, but still didn't notice Finn. "Can we go back in now?"

"Sure." Kurt took Blaine's hand and led him back inside. He almost hoped that what he said had changed Blaine's mind, but it didn't seem to. The only difference was that Blaine was dancing with Kurt, but nobody would suspect anything from that.

Finn hadn't been trying to watch them, but he couldn't seem to stop. He wasn't too surprised by what he saw. He knew Kurt was with someone, and although he didn't know it was Blaine, that was what he would have guessed. They were always together. Of course, Finn would keep their secret. But he wasn't sure if he should tell them what he saw, or if it'd be best to keep it to himself. 


	10. Confession

A day had gone by since Finn saw Kurt and Blaine at the party. He still wasn't sure what to do, if he should tell Kurt or keep it a secret. He eventually decided that Kurt deserved to know, and that it might help him if he did. Kurt wanted to talk about his relationship, and it might be easier if he knew that Finn knew about it.

Finn went to Kurt's bedroom and knocked on the door. "Hey, uh... It's Finn, I just wanna tell you something... It'll be quick. Or it could wait, I guess..."

"Coming." Kurt opened the door. "What is it?"

"Actually, um... Can I ask you something?"

Kurt nodded. "Go on."

"Remember a few days ago when you were talking about your relationship? How's that going?"

"Nothing's changed."

Finn had hoped that Kurt would bring up the party himself, since wasn't exactly sure how to say it. "I saw you."

"Yeah, you've seen me a lot." Kurt knew that Finn was probably talking about the party, but he didn't want to be the one to bring that up.

"No. I mean last night. At the party. With Blaine." 

Kurt didn't really care what Finn knew. He was more than happy to tell everyone about their relationship. But he knew that Blaine didn't want anyone to know, and although he didn't agree, he would respect that. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You do! You were talking about how you didn't want to hide and he did because he's scared, and then you kissed him and you said you love each other."

"No, that must've been someone else. It was dark, it could've been anyone."

"I swear. I know what I saw."

Kurt sighed. There was nothing he could do to convince Finn otherwise. Usually, Finn would believe what Kurt told him, knowing he was smarter. But he wouldn't give up this time. He was sure of what he saw. "Fine. You're right. But don't say anything to anyone, okay?"

Finn nodded. "Okay. I promise, it's our secret."

"Don't even tell Blaine." 

"Got it. I won't tell him."

"Thank you..." He paused. "You know, I'm kind of happy you know now... At least I have someone to talk to, and I won't have to be the one to tell you. And who knows how long I'd be able to keep the secret before I slip up?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course you can talk to me." Finn smiled a bit. The truth was, he was a bit scared that he would slip up. He didn't want to, but he wasn't the best at keeping secrets.

"Thanks, Finn." Kurt smiled and hugged him tight. Finn hugged back, already feeling bad about his promise.


	11. Portrait of a Girl

Santana Lopez was the beautiful, popular cheerleader that everyone else wanted to be. She was perfect, she had everything she wanted and more. She could get with any guy in the school. Anyone would do anything for her, everyone was afraid of her and yet they held her on a pedestal, whether it was because of their admiration or their fear. That was the Santana everyone knew.

But that wasn't anything close to who Santana really was.

She was scared herself. Of what, she wasn't sure. She was lonely, despite having everyone more than happy to run to her side whenever she asked. And she didn't want all the guys. She wanted one girl, Brittany S. Pierce. 

Would Santana ever come out? Probably not. She would lose everything.

She thought about what Blaine told her. If he was scared, why couldn't she be? Because she had to maintain her image as the tough girl who feared nothing? If he could tell her, why couldn't she bring herself to tell anyone?

She sighed and took out her phone, then typed out a text. _"Skip glee club with me. Meet me by the bleachers."_ She read the text over a few times. Did she really want to do this? Yes. She took a deep breath, then pressed send.

She never got a reply to her text, but she went to the bleachers anyway. Even if nobody showed up, she could have some time to think. Then she saw him and smiled a bit in an effort to hide her fear. She almost wish he never showed up. "Hey, Blaine."

"Hey, Tana. Everything alright?" He sat beside her.

She nodded. "I'm alright, I just... I've been thinking a lot, and... Who do you think I am?"

He thought for a bit. What kind of answer was she looking for? He didn't want to say the wrong thing, but he didn't want to lie either. "You're Santana Lopez. Cheerio, badass, not one to mess with. Bitch, but that's what we love about you. You keep it real. Nobody messes with you, they know better. Everyone loves you, everyone wants to be you. You can beat anyone in a fight. You're not afraid to speak your mind. And you're beautiful."

Santana nodded. "Thank you. But... Is that all?"

"That's all."

"You don't see... Fear? Insecurity?"

"No. But if you do, that's okay. Everyone's scared of something, everyone is insecure about something. Some people are just better at hiding it. But Santana, listen to me." He took her hands. "I mean it when I say you're beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to have you."

"But I don't want any guy to have me," she said softly. 

"Being alone is okay too, I guess..."

"You really are oblivious," she sighed. "No offense." 

"None taken."

"I..." She looked around. "I'm a lesbian, Blaine. I'm a lesbian, I'm in love with Brittany, and I... I've never told anyone before." 

He pulled her into a hug. "I know how you feel." He let go and smiled at her. "You're very brave, even if you just told one person. It was hard for me too. But remember what we said in the choir room? After auditions?"

She nodded. "We'll always have each other."

"You and me against the world."


	12. Birthday, Bitch!

As if one party wasn't enough.

The following weekend, Puck had yet another party at his house. This time, Finn wouldn't even let Kurt try to stay home. They came together, but as soon as they arrived, Kurt went off with Blaine.

Kurt didn't plan on drinking, he never did. But when Blaine asked if he wanted some, he said yes, partially to fit in. Blaine never thought he would be the more sober one out of the two of them. He had to admit, he was a bit worried. He didn't know if Kurt would slip up and tell someone about their relationship, or if he would be overly affectionate. The only thing that calmed him down was the fact that Finn was his ride, and he wouldn't stay long. 

"Hey, B," Kurt said. "We should play spin the bottle or something. Then we can kiss and no one will know."

"Shh, they can hear you," Blaine replied. 

"If they can hear me, then what's the point anymore? Kiss me."

Blaine gently pushed Kurt away. "No. Not now. Maybe tonight, I'll ask Finn if he can take me back to your place."

"And then..."

"I'll kiss you, and then we sleep," he whispered.

"Good plan." Kurt leaned in to kiss Blaine again, but Blaine pushed him back again. This would be a long night... Maybe Blaine could ask Finn if they could leave early. Then Blaine felt someone tap on his shoulder.

"Oh, Blainey," Santana said. "Come with me. We need to talk."

"Not now, Tana. I'm kind of busy," Blaine replied. Kurt tightened his grip on Blaine.

"Come on... You know you wanna." She had a bit of a flirtatious tone, but Blaine knew that she wasn't being flirty. 

Kurt didn't know that, though. "Blaine, you're not going with her," he said. He leaned in to whisper in Blaine's ear. "Stay with me, baby..."

"Shh!" He didn't care if Santana heard, but if anyone else did...

"God, calm down," Santana said. "Overprotective much? Don't worry, I'll have him back by the end of the night." She grabbed Blaine's wrist and dragged him away. There was no point in trying to resist.

"I'll see you later, Kurt. Remember what I said before," he said.


	13. One Kiss

Finn saw Santana drag Blaine away from Kurt. He didn't know if Blaine actually wanted her or not, but either way, he had to get her away. He ran over to them. "Hey, Blaine and Santana! Fun party, huh?"

"Oh, very fun," Santana replied, smiling. Blaine just nodded. 

"Hey, Tana, wanna dance with me?" Finn asked.

Santana laughed. "You mean get my feet stepped on? No thank you."

"I got better," Finn said. He did a little dance, hoping that'd prove his point. If anything, it did more harm than good.

"Not happening, t-rex." She grabbed Blaine's hand again and led him away.

Finn didn't bother following. It was no use. She wasn't changing her mind. At least he tried. He had to trust that Blaine would be loyal. He considered going to talk to Kurt, but he didn't exactly want to deal with him at the moment. He looked over and saw Kurt talking to Mercedes, so he stepped outside.

Santana led Blaine over to the corner. Nobody could hear them, but they were still visible to everyone. Kurt was keeping a close eye on them. "So, B... We're both closeted," she whispered. "Be my beard. Then we'll both be safe. Because everyone saw you and Kurt, they're gonna catch on."

"No, Santana. I don't want a beard," he said. He wanted Kurt, and he didn't want to lose him. To have a beard, he'd have to leave Kurt, or at least get his approval. And there was no way he would say yes.

"There's gonna be rumors," she warned. 

"I don't care about the rumors. The answer is no. No, no, _no_. Nothing is gonna change that."

"God, you're so difficult..." She rolled her eyes. "One kiss."

"Huh?"

"Give me one kiss. They'll all see, then-"

"No! How many times do I have to say it?"

"Blaine-"

"No." 

She sighed and kissed him quickly on the lips. Kurt saw and quickly got up and ran outside. Blaine pushed her back quickly. He ran or Finn, but didn't see either of them. Instead he found Sam. Good enough. "Sam, can you take me home? Like, now?"

"Uh, sure, I guess," Sam replied. "Is anyone there?"

Blaine shrugged. "Cooper, maybe... I don't know."

"I'll take you to my house. I don't want you to be alone. Come on." He led Blaine out to the car. When they got in, Blaine took out his phone and tried to call Kurt, hoping he'd be able to explain. The phone rang for a while before going to voicemail. Blaine sighed, knowing Kurt either ignored the call or hung up. He'd have to wait until tomorrow to explain.


	14. Are You There?

Finn looked up when he heard someone come outside. "Oh, hey Kurt. What's up?"

"Blaine sucks," Kurt replied. He sat beside Finn and crossed his arms.

Finn sighed. Of course it was Blaine. He wasn't sure he liked their relationship. It didn't seem healthy, and Kurt was always complaining about him. "What did he do now?"

"We were just talking and he kept telling me to be quiet because someone was gonna hear us. But nobody was listening, you heard how loud it was in there. Then Santana came and she was being all flirty and she dragged him into the corner and kissed him..." Kurt didn't see him push her away.

"She kissed him?!" Finn hadn't seen that part. He felt a bit guilty, he could have stopped that. He tried getting Santana away, but he shouldn't have just given up so easily. 

"Right on the lips," Kurt replied.

"God... Is he always like this?" 

Kurt shrugged. "He's never done _that_ before. Not that I know of, at least. But still. He always wants to hide, he won't do or say anything unless he's sure nobody's there. And I get it, he's scared or whatever. But so was I. And I told him, he has me, he has you, he has Puck, he has Sam... The whole glee club! And probably more, I don't know... And then there's Cooper too, I think. He seems cool. But he refuses. And like... Maybe he doesn't wanna be with me, y'know? Maybe I'm the problem. I mean, you saw how he was with Sam at the last party, right? He was laying right on top of him! He wouldn't even let me touch him!"

"Yeah, but Sam's not gay," Finn said. "Nobody would suspect they're dating. And you were getting a bit close. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but you shouldn't get all mad just because he wants to keep a secret. But you can get mad about the Santana thing. Even I'm mad about that." 

"He had to know, right? That I'd see?"

Finn shrugged. 

"Should I break up with him?"

"That's your choice. I mean... I think so. But if you don't wanna, you don't have to."

"I love him," Kurt replied. "But... I'm not sure he loves me."

"Talk to him. Tomorrow."

Kurt nodded. "He tried calling. I ignored it. I don't wanna talk to him. He's gonna make excuses, and I just... I don't wanna hear him."

"Why don't we go back in?" Finn asked. "If he's still here, we can talk to him together."

"I guess," Kurt replied. He didn't really want to, but he had a feeling it wasn't really a choice.

Finn led Kurt inside and looked around. "I see Santana, but... No Blaine. Come on." He led Kurt over to Santana. "Hey, Tana, you know where Blaine is?"

"Uh..." She looked around. "I don't see him. Last time I saw him, he was with Sam. I think they left." 

"Together?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

Kurt sighed. "Take me home..."

"Okay." Finn took Kurt's hand and brought him out to the car. "You okay?"

Kurt shook his head. "Sam and Blaine both suck."

"What did Sam do?"

"I don't know, something."

"Okay." Finn wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that. "Well, you can talk to him tomorrow too."

"Yeah, sure..."


	15. 911! Emergency!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of a suicide attempt

Sam brought Blaine up to his room. "Maybe you should go to bed, Blainey. You can sleep here if you want, I'll be okay on the couch."

"No, stay," Blaine replied. "Just for now, at least. I want to talk." He sat on the bed, and Sam sat beside him. 

"So... What do you wanna talk about?" Sam asked. "Is everything okay? Because you kinda rushed out of there."

"I don't know, I..." Blaine sighed. "I have to tell you something. Something that I haven't really told anyone before... Besides Santana, and the Warblers, and the people at my first school... Which was a mistake... Anyway... I'm gay. And since Santana knows, she offered to be my beard. That's why she kissed me. But I never wanted her to, I told her no..."

"Beard? What's a beard?"

"My fake girlfriend so people think I'm straight," he explained.

"Okay... I'm sure you have a reason, but why don't you come out? To everyone, I mean."

"Because I'm scared, Sam. I don't want anyone to hate me or anything..."

"We're not gonna hate you. We don't hate Kurt, do we?"

Blaine sighed. "Let me tell you about my past. Back in my old school, everyone somehow found out I'm gay. I don't even know how... They always teased me about it, but... Whatever, right? I could take it. Then the Sadie Hawking dance happened... Me and my friend, who was also gay, went together. It was all fine until the end, we were waiting for our parents... Some kids jumped us. We were beaten up. Bad.

"Our parents finally came and saw us. I made excuses. I told them I was fine. Eventually I came out to them. My mom left, apparently it was coincidental. My dad became physically abusive. Then one day, I couldn't take it anymore. And I did something stupid. I was prescribed antidepressants not too long before this, but I never took them. Then one day, I took all of them. I woke up in the hospital because Cooper found me. I don't know what would've happened without him.

"I transferred to Dalton Academy after that. Cooper paid the tuition and for a dorm. Then I met Kurt... When he went back to McKinley, I had to follow him. And so Cooper hesitantly agreed on the condition that I'd live with him. I can't let him find out and abandon me too..."

Sam didn't know what to say. "Well... No matter what happens, I'm here. Kurt is too. And Finn, probably. A lot of people."

"I know, that's what everyone says..."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You keep mentioning Kurt. Are you guys...a thing?"

Blaine nodded. "We are. But...don't tell anyone, okay? Don't even tell him that you know."

"Okay. Our secret."

"Our secret."

"And can you do me one favor?"

"Depends."

"Tell Cooper. He'll support you no matter what, you know."

"Okay. I will." Would Blaine actually say something? He wasn't sure. He didn't want to, but it was probably for the best. He'd try one day. But not yet.


	16. Reputation Stain'd

The musical was coming up quickly. The majority of the cast was off-book at this point. Before the rehearsal, Santana went up to Blaine. "Hey, B. I'm sorry about how I acted... I should've taken no for an answer. But the offer still stands."

"I accept your apology, but I won't take you up on that," Blaine replied.

Kurt watched Santana and Blaine, and as soon as she left, he approached him. "What the hell, Blaine?"

"What?" Blaine knew what he was talking about. But he didn't know how much he knew. The best thing he could do was play dumb.

"You kissed her!"

"I did not kiss her," Blaine replied, staying calm. "She kissed me, I didn't want it. I pushed her away."

"Blaine... This isn't going to work if you keep hiding."

"I'm moving at my own pace," Blaine replied, walking away. He was already out to Santana, as well as Sam, but he didn't want Kurt knowing. That would just lead to more pressure. 

When they started rehearsal, Blaine clearly wasn't trying very hard. He didn't show any emotion and kept forgetting the lines he was supposed to have memorized. It was obvious something wasn't right.

"Jeez, put a little life into it," Finn said.

"I'm sorry. I'm just...distracted, I guess," Blaine replied.

"Distracted by your boyfriend?" Finn asked, too quiet for anyone besides Blaine to hear. Blaine immediately froze up, not sure what to do. Did Finn know? How? Kurt must have told him. Blaine did all he could think to do in that moment and ran out of the room. Everyone watched, not sure how to react. Kurt followed him out.

"Blaine, wait! What happened?" Kurt asked.

Blaine quickly turned around. "What happened is you told him!"

"Told him what?" 

"About us! Seriously?! I ask you to keep one thing to yourself and you can't do it?! I know you can't keep your mouth shut, but I didn't think it was that bad!"

"Blaine, please... He found out on his own. He saw us at the party." And Kurt did tell him after that, but Blaine didn't have to know.

"I can't just forgive this, Kurt. We're done." 


	17. Ever After

"We're done? So you're breaking up with me?" Kurt asked.

"You heard me," Blaine replied.

Was Kurt surprised? Not exactly. He knew this would happen eventually. There was no way this would last if Blaine insisted on hiding. And although Kurt considered being the one to end it, he was still heartbroken. He loved Blaine more than anything. And he hurt him, something he never wanted to do. Although he didn't want to hide, he should have respected that Blaine did. He should have never told Finn, even if he figured it out on his own. "I'm sorry, Blaine..."

Blaine didn't reply. He did feel bad, and maybe he could have forgiven him, but... No, it was too dangerous. If Kurt couldn't respect that Blaine didn't want their relationship public, he didn't deserve it.

"But really, we don't have to end things," Kurt said. "Think about everything we had... We love each other, Blaine. And we had some amazing nights together, even if nobody else saw them. Of course, we would have had more if you weren't such a straight-acting coward." Kurt regretted that as soon as he said it, but he couldn't take it back. 

"Seriously? You're blaming me? You have no idea what I went through, Kurt. Yes, you got bullied too. Yes, you had to switch school too. But then you came back and everyone supported you. You know you have friends. Everyone here hates me! They never wanted me here, you know that. And my parents disowned me, all I have left is Cooper. What if he leaves too?"

"I'm sorry, Blaine, but you're being ridiculous. You know everyone here loves you, you know we'd support you."

"Yeah, because Finn loves me so much," he said sarcastically. "And we don't know what Cooper will say!"

"He's your brother! Of course he'll support you!"

"My own parents didn't!"

"Your mom left for work, Blaine. She didn't abandon you."

"You don't know me. Not at all." 

"I seem to know more than you do."

"I'm not talking to you anymore. All you care about is yourself. Instead of helping, all you do is pressure me. And even if we're not together anymore, don't even think about telling anyone about us." He left before Kurt could say anything else.

Kurt knew he said some things he shouldn't have. He regretted it, of course, and he should apologize. But it was obvious Blaine didn't want to hear it. He understood that he was scared, but he knew that Blaine would feel much better when he told everyone. Nobody would hate him, everyone would have his back. He was worrying himself over nothing. But if Blaine refused, there wasn't much Kurt could do.


	18. Spring

Blaine was on his way out when he heard someone playing piano in the choir room. He looked inside and saw Santana. He went in and sat down, listening to her play. She didn't notice at first, she was too invested in what she was doing. She eventually looked up and saw him. "Blaine? How long were you there? I didn't see you come in."

"I just got here," he replied. "That sounded beautiful, by the way."

She smiled. "Thanks. Are you okay? You seem upset, and I saw you run out of rehearsal."

He shrugged. "I just broke up with Kurt, because... Well, when I said I was distracted, Finn asked if I was distracted by my boyfriend. Kurt obviously told him, how else would he know? I'm just tired of him pressuring me, and I don't want to be with someone I can't trust."

"I'm sorry about that... Want me to punch Finn? Or Kurt? Or both?" 

Blaine laughed a bit and shook his head. "No, that's alright."

"I'm serious, Blaine. I'll do it. What they did to you isn't okay."

"I appreciate it, Tana. I really do. But I don't need you punching anyone."

"Offer still stands." They looked at each other for a moment, then laughed. "God, I can't believe I offered to be your beard..."

"I can't either. And you kissed me!"

"Yeah... Well, we'd make a great example of why you shouldn't drink?"

"We? No, _you_ would. That was all you!"

"Yeah, I know it was... Hey, I know I should've just listened. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's fine. You wanted to help, and it made for a funny story."

"It did, didn't it?" She smiled. "Anyway, back to the serious stuff... How are you doing?"

"I don't know... I'm mad at Kurt, not too upset about losing him though. I'm worried about Finn. But on the bright side, I'm out to another person now."

"Your brother?"

Blaine shook his head. "Sam. Maybe not the best decision, but I needed someone to talk to."

"Well, I would think he's accepting, at least. I'm not sure how good he is at keeping a secret."

"Hey, as long as he's better than Finn, right?" Blaine laughed a bit, then quickly stopped, creating an awkward silence. "I, uh... I should probably go. Cooper's waiting."

Santana nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow..." He left and started walking home. Santana went back to playing.


	19. One

On the walk home, Blaine's phone rang. He was expecting it to be either Kurt, in which case, he would ignore the call, or Cooper, asking where he was. But it wasn't either of them, it was Sam. Blaine answered the phone. "Hey, what's up?"

"Dude, where are you?" Sam asked, a bit out of breath. "I saw you run out, now I can't find you."

"I'm walking home," Blaine replied.

"Huh... Is everything okay?"

"I broke up with Kurt. Apparently Finn knows about out relationship, so Kurt must've said something."

"Oh, I'm sorry... Hey, wanna come over here? Or I could go there."

"I think Cooper's waiting for me. Come to mine. If you get there before me, just knock and Cooper will let you in."

"Alright, cool. Thanks." Sam hung up and Blaine continued the walk home.

He arrived in an empty house and a note on the kitchen table - and opportunity for an audition came up, Cooper would be home later that night with dinner. He texted Cooper asking him to bring something for Sam as well. He was sure Cooper wouldn't mind if he came.

Blaine opened the door as soon as he heard a knock. "Hey, Sam. Cooper's not home, something came up. But I told him you're here and staying for dinner."

"Oh, cool. Thanks," Sam replied. "So, you wanna talk, right?"

"I kind of said everything," Blaine said. "But stay, please. Let's go up to my room." Blaine carefully took Sam's hand and led him upstairs. "I don't care what we do, if we do anything. I just... I didn't want to be alone." 

"Okay, Blainey. You won't be alone," Sam said, hugging Blaine. “Hey, why don’t we watch a movie or something? That usually cheers you up. And it’ll at least get your mind off everything.”

“Yeah, yeah... Good idea. But you have to pick it since it was your idea.”

“Fine.” Sam looked through the movies, trying to pick something that would make Blaine happy and keep him interested. He eventually put on Footloose, something they hadn’t watched over and over, but he knew Blaine would like.

Blaine tried to focus on the movie, but he just couldn’t. There was too much going through his head. And it wouldn’t stop, no matter what he did. Something would happen in the movie and he’d be thinking about Kurt again, like how they used to secretly dance together at parties. He’d let his mind wander and always found himself thinking about Kurt. Even though it was his choice to break up, he wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t want it to end this way, but what choice did he have? He looked over at Sam, who seemed so focused on the movie, not thinking about anything else. Why could Blaine have that?

Then Blaine’s thoughts changed in a way he hadn’t expected them to, in a way that didn’t involve Kurt at all. “Hey, Sam?”

“Hm?” Most of his attention was still focused on the movie.

“I just... I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m trying to focus on something else, anything else, but... I was watching you, sorry if that sounds weird, but... When I saw your face, everything else just...disappeared. Like you’re the only thing in the world. It’s crazy, but... I want you, Sam. I really want you. And if not forever, then just for now.”

“You want me like... Here? Because I am here. Or you wanna talk? I can turn the movie off.”

“I don’t care about the movie.” Blaine moved a bit closer. “I just want you. Right here, right now.”

“Oh, you mean, like... Okay, I can do that.”

“I knew you could.” Blaine smiled and kissed him deeply.

And in that moment, all that mattered was each other. That was all they focused on, even when Blaine’s phone started to ring.


	20. Wedding Bells

Kurt wasn’t surprised when Blaine ignored his call. What did he expect? Blaine was obviously mad, and he couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t going to call again, or even try texting. He didn’t leave a voicemail either. If Blaine wanted to talk, he’d say something. So Kurt waited by the phone until he finally got a text from Blaine, simply saying, ‘Sorry, I was with Sam.’

Kurt didn’t bother to reply. He knew what that meant. The same day that they broke up, Blaine had moved on. But Kurt wasn’t expecting it to be with another guy. And when Kurt wanted to make their relationship known, Blaine refused to come out to anyone, but he was willing for sex? Maybe it was a good thing they broke up...

He didn’t remember much from after that, it was kind of a blur. He didn’t come down when Burt called him for dinner, he didn’t have much of an appetite. He fell asleep early, but didn’t remember closing his eyes. And his dream felt so real, and although it was one of the worst he could remember.

_Blaine was standing at the front of a church, looking out at the crowded pews. Everyone from school was there. Cooper and Pam were in the front right pew, and Burt, Carole, and Finn in the front left. Blaine was singing Come What May, just like he and Kurt had always planned to do at their wedding. The doors in the back swung open and Kurt and Sam walked down the aisle, arms linked. Kurt was singing with Blaine. Then when they got to the front of the church, right before Kurt joined Blaine, he froze. He couldn’t move, he could only watch as Sam continued forward, stood at the front with Blaine, holding his hands. Kurt looked over at the front left pew, where his family had been, but they had been replaced with Sam’s family. Then he heard them both say “I do” when the priest asked if they wanted to be married. But then the scene changed again, right before they kissed. Sam was now Santana, and Kurt couldn’t look away from the kiss. He tried to scream and objection, to say that Blaine was lying to himself, that he didn’t want to be with Santana or any other girl, but no words came out._

When Kurt woke up, he wasn’t sure his nightmare had ended. That wasn’t just a dream, that was his life. And there was nothing he could do about it.


	21. In The Hallway

The next day, Kurt and Blaine both tried avoiding the other. Both of them wanted to talk, they had a lot to say, but they couldn’t bring themselves to. And neither wanted to be the one to start the conversation.

Finally, at the end of the day, Kurt approached Blaine. “I haven’t told anyone.”

“Good for you!” Blaine said sarcastically. “You didn’t do the one thing I asked you not to do. Took you long enough to agree to that.”

“I’m sorry. I was wrong,” Kurt admitted. “I know I realized a bit too late, but I hope you’ll accept my apology. Even if we’re not together, I hope we can still be friends.”

Blaine sighed. “Do you not realize what you did? I trusted you, and you ruined that. I wanted this to work, Kurt. I really did. I loved you. But I can’t be with you if you don’t let me do things at my pace. If you pressure me. If you refuse to see my side. If you tell Finn when I ask you to keep one secret for me!”

“You’re not, closeted, Blaine,” Kurt said. “You told Sam, didn’t you?”

“That’s different, you of all people should know. When you came out to Mercedes, you needed someone to talk to, someone that you trusted. You weren’t ready to tell the world yet, but you told the one person you knew you could trust.”

“Am I not that person?”

“I thought you were, until I realized I couldn’t trust you.”

“God, Blaine. You’re so dramatic.”

“Straight-acting coward, dramatic... What’s next?”

“I regretted that as soon as I said it.”

“I bet.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Can I ask you something? And can you answer nicely?”

“No promises.”

“Did you really move on already? You’re with Sam now?”

“That was a one time thing.”

“And will you tell anyone?”

“You tell me to answer nicely, then bring it back to this? Seriously?”

“I was just wondering.”

“I’m not telling anyone. I’m not ready to tell anyone. How many times do I have to tell you? Why don’t you get it?”

“I do,” Kurt said. “But I also think you’re hurting yourself by not telling anyone. You’re lying to yourself, and it’s going to spiral out of control. Before you know it, you’ll have a wife and wonder why you hid for so long.”

“I’m not lying to myself, Kurt. I know who I am. And I don’t intend to change that. I do intend to not ruin my life even more though.” Blaine left, ignoring Kurt’s attempt at an apology.


	22. Touch My Soul

When Blaine heard a knock on the door, he only hoped for one thing: that it wasn't Kurt. When he opened the door and saw Sam, he sighed in relief. "I wasn't expecting you. Do you need anything?"

"Um... Yeah, actually," Sam replied. "So, yesterday..."

"That was a one time thing," Blaine said quickly. At least, that's what he had intended. He probably should have considered that it might not have been, that maybe what was only a distraction to him could have meant something to Sam, but with everything that had been going on recently, it was hard for Blaine to think anything through.

"Yeah, yeah, I know it was, but... Can we talk about it? It's not really something we can just put behind us as soon as it happens, no matter how much you want to."

"Fine... Talk about it if you want, but after that, it's done. No more. Got it?"

"Got it. Well, you know me, you know how I am. I've been with a lot of girls, and it never works out. I don't know why. Maybe I just have bad taste, but... They're not bad. Well, most of them aren't... And I don't think I'm the problem... It just never felt right before. What everyone says about love, I thought I felt that. I thought I did, but now that I'm really thinking about it... I never did. But nothing has ever felt as real as being with you. I've never even thought about this before, and I never thought I'd ever think about being with a boy, but... I don't know, something changed, I guess. And I know that was just a one time thing, you don't want anything more, and I totally get that. I'm not gonna pressure you or try to change your mind or anything. I just... I thought I should tell you."

Blaine wasn't sure what to say. He knew he wasn't going to change his mind, at least not yet. He wasn't ready to move on. But obviously, he couldn't just ignore this, as much as he wanted to. "Okay... Well, it's still a one time thing. And you don't love me, either. But no matter what, we're still best friends, okay? And you can still come to me if you need anything."

"Okay. Thanks. I'll go now. Sorry for...all that. And don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong. You handled it better than I expected, actually. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow." Blaine smiled a bit, then closed the door and went to lay on the couch. He had a lot on his mind, and nothing to do with Sam.


	23. See Me

When Sam was talking about love, Blaine had only one thing on his mind: Kurt. He loved him, he loved him so much and he always would. And he wanted to be with him, but he couldn't take the pressure. Whenever he thought Kurt had changed and would finally respect that Blaine wasn't ready to come out, he started pressuring him again.

Maybe Kurt was right. Maybe Blaine did need to stop worrying. If things were mostly okay at McKinley for Kurt, why would Blaine be any different? And why couldn't he tell Cooper? His parents weren't accepting, but Cooper wasn't like them. Even if Cooper didn't approve, he wouldn't be the type to abandon Blaine, especially since he knew he didn't have anyone else. And if Cooper did leave, maybe it would be for the best. Of course, Blaine loved his brother and didn't want to lose him. But after their parents left, Cooper promised he would stay. He promised he would do anything for Blaine. He promised he'd always listen, and he'd always be there. Sure, Cooper's advice was never good, but it was something, and Blaine appreciated the effort. But then again, Cooper didn't approve of Blaine's dreams of being on Broadway, so was it really too hard to believe he wouldn't approve of his sexuality either.

Blaine heard the front door. Cooper was home. Blaine looked over at the door and waved. "Hey, Coop."

"Hey, squirt. Miss me?"

Blaine rolled his eyes. "Sure did." 

"Good to hear. So, what's up? You seem tired," Cooper said, sitting by Blaine's feet. 

"I'm tired, that's what's up," Blaine said, sitting up.

"You can talk to me, kid," Cooper said, failing to ruffle Blaine's gelled hair. "And cut back on the gel, will you?"

"Not happening," Blaine replied, crossing his arms.

"Crossed arms? Are you five?" 

Blaine shrugged. "Maybe I am."

Cooper rolled his eyes. "Alright, little bro. Tell me, what's going on? You're tired. Why? And why aren't you in bed then? Were you waiting for me or something?"

"I was not waiting for you. I had someone over, they just left."

"A girl?"

"No! Just a friend," Blaine said. He paused. "But I do need to talk to you about something."

"Your girlfriend?"

"I don't have a girlfriend! And I don't want one."

"See, you're just saying that because you're single."

"It's not that. Can you just listen? Please?"

"I'm listening."

"Cooper, I know you know this already. And I know you're dodging it. But please, just pay attention. Don't try to change the subject. This is really hard to say, and...really, you listening will make it a lot easier."

"I am listening," Cooper repeated.

"Just... Don't leave. Okay? No matter how you feel, don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," Cooper said. "Hey! That reminds me! Mom is gonna see your show. I tried to ask Dad, but he didn't get back to me."

"Cooper... Not now, okay?"

"Okay. Sorry. Just trying to share some exciting news."

"And I'm trying to tell you something important," Blaine said. Cooper rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. "I just...need support. I need _your_ support. I don't care what my friends think, and at this point, I don't care what Mom and Dad think anymore..."

"Hey, do you think Mom would wanna come to the diner after the show with us?"

"Cooper, please... I need you. I need to talk to you. Now."

"Actually, that reminds me... I have a audition later, I need to practice my lines... Do you wanna help?"

"No, I don't want to help. I want you to listen."

"Not now, Blainey. We can talk over dinner later, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever..."

Cooper went up to his room, and Blaine stayed on the couch. He wanted to cry, but held it back. All he wanted was for Cooper to support him, and if he didn't even want to listen, there was no way he did. He regretted even trying. Even though Cooper said they'd talk over dinner, Blaine knew the same thing would happen. Cooper would dodge it, and he wouldn't be able to tell him anything. So he didn't bother going down for dinner. Instead, he went up to his room, wrapped himself in a blanket, closed his eyes, and cried until he fell asleep.


	24. Warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse and a suicide attempt

Of course, Cooper knew exactly what Blaine was trying to tell him. He always had suspicions, but they were confirmed when Blaine tried sneaking Kurt in when Cooper was home, thinking he didn't know. He heard everything they said to each other, every "I love you", but he pretended not to, and he never brought it up. He would wait until Blaine said something. But when that time came, he didn't know how to handle it. He wasn't sure what to do, he wasn't sure what Blaine needed. So he avoided the subject as much as he could.

Cooper thought back to what happened after their mother left. It was because of her job, she had to travel a lot and was almost never home. But Blaine seemed deeply affected by it, more than he had been in the past. Cooper didn't understand why, and he never thought anything of it. Their father had never been good, and he always especially hated Blaine. But usually, he would ignore the boys, the worst he ever did was yell at them. Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, things changed. He wasn't ignoring Blaine anymore, he was trying to spend time with him. They would play football in the backyard or fix a car together, things Blaine never had any interest in doing. Then just as quickly as that started, it stopped. And after that, their father was worse than ever before. He started hitting Blaine, and Cooper did all he could to help, but it never seemed to be enough.

Things seemed to change at school too. Blaine had so many friends, and he was always hanging out with them. Then one day, that all stopped. Sometimes Blaine would come home in tears. Eventually his grades started slipping, he was missing school often, he didn't do his work, and he quit all of his extracurricular activities. 

Then he remembered Blaine's overdose, which seemed to come out of nowhere. Cooper would never forget when he found Blaine laying on his bed, in a deep, deep sleep that he couldn't be woken from, with a note and an empty pill bottle on his bedside table.

After that, Blaine transferred to Dalton Academy, paid for by Cooper. He loved it there, he was happier than ever before. Cooper called him every night. And one night, he started going on and on about the new kid, and did the same every night after that. And when he transferred, Blaine was clearly upset about it. Then at the end of the school year, he asked to transfer to McKinley, the school the boy Blaine always talked about had come from. So Cooper allowed Blaine to live with him, and he transferred. Then that boy had started coming to the house, or Blaine would go to his. And that was when Cooper knew for sure that there was something between them, that they were more than just the best friends they claimed to be.

He finally connected the dots. Blaine was upset about his mother leaving because of the timing, it was probably right after he came out to her, and he assumed she had abandoned him. Their father would play football and fix cars with him to turn him straight, and when it didn't work, he became abusive.

Cooper was all Blaine had left. That was why he was so scared to say something.

Of course, Cooper would never leave. He loved his brother, he wanted the best for him. But what was he supposed to do? Could he ask, would Blaine be willing to explain or would he take it the wrong way? All he knew was that he had to figure something out quickly, to let Blaine know he was seen and accepted.


	25. Pilgrim's Hands

Blaine wasn't at rehearsal the next day. Kurt was forced to rehearse Ever After with Mike. But he'd prefer that over Blaine. The scene was a bit too real for Kurt and Blaine. It reminded Kurt of their breakup, they were almost too similar. Kurt even noticed the parallels as it was happening, and now hearing that song nearly brought him to tears. Kurt sang through the song slowly, trying to hold back his tears, and most importantly, trying not to think of Blaine. He was doing alright at first:

_"So much for our ever after?  
I thought the good guys would triumph  
I trusted a hero, I didn't hear his goodbye  
I guess it was lost in the talk of a..."_

He stopped abruptly. "Can we take five? Sorry."

Mr. Schuester sighed. "Fine, take five. And someone find out where Blaine is, please."

"I'll call him," Kurt said, taking out his phone. That probably wasn't a good idea, but he wouldn't go back on the offer. He could only hope Blaine wouldn't pick up. But of course, he did.

"What do you want?" Blaine asked. He sounded like he just woke up, but Kurt decided not to mention it.

"I just wanted to ask, where are... Where are we? In our relationship, I mean. I know we broke up, but... I don't know about you, but I still have feelings for you. And I don't think they're going away. Not that we have to get back together, but... Are we still friends, at least?"

"I don't know," Blaine replied. "But I miss you." 

Kurt smiled a bit. "I miss you too. Hey, we're on break right now. We were just working on Ever After. I know it's a bit too real for us, and I get it if you don't want to come, but I'd love it if you did. And I'd much rather practice with you than Mike."

"It is a bit too real," Blaine replied. "But I'll be there."

"Thank you. And I'm sorry, by the way. For pressuring you, for what I said during the breakup... Everything."

"I know. Hey, uh... I tried talking to Cooper," Blaine said quietly. "It didn't go so great, but... I'm working on it." 

"I'm sorry to hear... But it's good that you tried. And if you need anything, just ask."

"I will. Thank you."

"Of course. See you soon?"

"See you soon."

The break was extended until Blaine arrived, about ten minutes later. They picked up at the beginning of Ever After, and by the end of the scene, both Kurt and Blaine were in tears. Even though it didn't make much sense for the characters, they couldn't help but hug each other tightly at the end. The next scene was Spring, which only involved Santana, so Kurt brought Blaine into the choir room to talk. "Are you okay?"

Blaine nodded. "I'm fine."

"Okay, if you say so... I'm not going to pressure you. Come, let's sit." Kurt took Blaine's hand and led him to the chairs. They sat beside each other, and Blaine rested his head on Kurt's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about Cooper?"

Blaine shook his head. He did want to, but he didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what had happened. He hadn't given up hope that Cooper would accept him yet, and he wouldn't until Cooper left. He hoped that wouldn't happen, but he couldn't say he wouldn't be surprised if it did.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" Kurt asked.

Blaine shook his head again. He just wanted to stay like this, quiet, just enjoying each other's company. It had been a while since they were together like this. And Blaine knew that someone could come in and see them at any time, but he didn't care. All he cared about was Kurt. He wanted to tell him right then that he wanted him back, but he wasn't sure about the timing. He'd wait until whatever was happening with Cooper was figured out.

Neither of them wanted to go back to rehearsal, but they knew they didn't have a choice. They made it through the rest of the show, both of them putting everything they had into each "I love you" and every kiss they shared.

After rehearsal, Finn ran up to Blaine. "Hey, can we talk?"

"No," Blaine replied. He left before Finn could ask again, walking out of the auditorium with Santana.


	26. God Don't Make No Trash

"Are you okay?" Santana asked as soon as she and Blaine left the auditorium. 

"I'm fine, it's just... I tried to talk to Cooper. I tried to come out. And he just... He wouldn't even listen to me," Blaine replied. For some reason, he found it easier to talk to Santana than Kurt. She tended to be more understanding, and she wouldn't put any pressure on him. "I don't think it's that he doesn't accept me. He's never been supportive, but...he always said he'd always be there. And I thought he'd have an open mind..."

"Maybe he was just not sure what to do," Santana suggested. "But no matter what Cooper thinks, or what anyone thinks, there's nothing wrong with you."

"It's hard to think that when it seems like the whole world is against me."

"The whole word?" Santana asked, raising an eyebrow. "I don't think so. What about me? And Sam, right? And all the Warblers? Kurt? I know he's not the best at showing it, but he's on your side. He wants to help. And you and Puck are close, right? I'm sure he'd support you. And Finn, who's really, _really_ bad at showing it, he supports Kurt, you wouldn't be different. Same with Rachel and Mercedes. And Brittany is bi, so chances are she'd support you. Mr. Schue always supports us. And what about Kurt's dad? Isn't Kurt always talking about how supportive he is? That doesn't sound like the whole world..."

"There's a lot of people that don't support me, Santana."

"Like who?"

"My parents. Possibly Cooper."

"Two, maybe three. And I know they're important to you, but Blaine, think about how many of us you have. How many people love you and always, _always_ will. We'll support you through anything. If you need a place to stay, call me. If you need someone to talk to, call me. No matter what you need, call me. Or anyone."

"Thanks, Tana. I just don't want to be scared, you know?"

Santana nodded. "I know. I'm scared too. I'm not out to anyone besides you, not officially. I'm sure Brittany knows, but...I haven't told her. I probably sound like a hypocrite, telling you not to worry when I'm the same way..."

"You don't sound like a hypocrite at all. You're very helpful, actually. More helpful than anyone else. I really appreciate you, Tana."

"I appreciate you too, Blainey."

He rolled his eyes. "You sound like my brother."

She acted offended. "I am much better than your brother!"

"Sure you are, Santana Diabla Lopez," he laughed.

She laughed as well. "Oh, shut it, Anderson. You're lucky I like you."

"We both know you're a lot nicer than you pretend to be."

"I could insult you if I wanted to."

"I know. But you don't want to."

"That's exactly right." She smiled and hugged him. "God, I sound like a mother."

"That's okay, I need one anyway," he said, laughing awkwardly. 

"Hey, I'm not afraid to go all Lima Heights on your mom and take her place."

"I know you're not. But...please don't," he said, his voice small.

"I won't. Don't worry. But Blaine, listen to me. I meant everything I said. You always have me if you need anything. No matter what it is. Just call me, okay?"

"Okay. And if you need anything, you can ask me."

"I will. Thank you."

"Of course. It's the least I can do."


	27. All Grown Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug use

Once again, Blaine tried talking to Cooper. Maybe it was just a bad time, maybe this time would be better. He didn't want to lose Cooper though, that was his biggest fear. He loved his brother more than anything, and he was the only family he had left. It was nice to know he had Santana if Cooper did end up leaving, but he really hoped it wouldn't come to that. Blaine laid on the couch, waiting for Cooper to come home.

"Oh hey, squirt!" Cooper said when he came inside. "Nice to see you. So, what's up? Need to talk?"

Blaine looked over at Cooper and sat up. "Yeah, actually... So, remember when I tried to talk to you the other day, and... You were too busy?"

Cooper nodded. "Practicing for the audition. I didn't get it."

"Oh. Well... Can we talk now?"

"Blaine, who's your favorite director?" Cooper was now scrolling through his phone.

Cooper was ignoring him. So he'd ignore Cooper. "I don't want a girlfriend, Coop. Ever."

"Fantastic. So, director? Or... Do you have a favorite show? Or movie franchise? Something that's not over. I'm looking for my next audition."

"I used to have a boyfriend," Blaine said quietly. "It's complicated now."

"You know what else is complicated?" Cooper asked, putting his phone down. "Show business."

"You're not listening..."

"Do you want ice cream? Let's get ice cream. Then we can watch a movie. But not Transformers, okay? Anything but Transformers."

"I don't want ice cream," Blaine replied. "I don't have much of an appetite... I think I'll just go up to my room. See you tomorrow." And with that, Blaine left.

Cooper had assumed that his reaction was the best he could do. He didn't let what Blaine said change anything, wasn't that what he was supposed to do? He knew he wasn't the best at talking to people, but that seemed like it should work. But it didn't, and he had to fix it. So he took out his phone and typed "how to react to coming out" in the search bar.

All Blaine wanted was to feel seen. But he was just ignored. He decided to leave, to go anywhere but here. He grabbed a backpack and shoved some things in - his phone, a charger, a change of clothes, and a bottle of pills. Then he left, not saying a word to Cooper.

He wasn't sure where to go. He didn't want to bother Kurt, Sam, or Santana, he'd already relied too much on them. So he went to Puck's. That was the only other address he knew. He knocked on the door, hoping someone would answer.

Puck's mother was the one to open the door. "Hello there. Are you Noah's friend? I didn't know he was expecting someone. You can come on in, he's in his room." She stepped aside, allowing Blaine to go in.

He mumbled a quick thank you before going into the basement, where Puck's room was. He knocked on the door and opened it after hearing Puck yell, "Come in!"

"Hey, sorry for just showing up without saying anything," Blaine said. "I just wanted to get out of the house. I didn't know where else to go."

"Hey, it's no problem! Pharmacy's open if you want anything."

"Pharmacy?"

"Yeah. My business!" Puck ran over to his dresser and opened the bottom drawer, then moved a few things out of the way. "Here, you can take what you want, no charge. They're leftovers from the last party anyway, and I don't really like most of this stuff."

"What is it?" Blaine asked, looking in the drawer. There were unlabeled pill bottles, all with something written in sharpie on the caps, and a few plastic bags, also written on, mostly containing powders, although a few had pills, and two bottles of vodka.

"What do you think?" Puck took out one of bags. It had a white powder in it. He also took out a bottle of vodka and poured a little bit into a glass, then added some of the powder, which he quickly mixed in. "Here, drink this. Vodka and a little bit of GHB. Probably better if you go slow. Don't worry, it's not gonna hurt you. And if anything happens, I'm right here." Blaine took a small sip. Nothing seemed weird about it. It was a bit salty if anything, but not too noticeable. He drank a bit more. "You're not gonna feel anything at first. It can take ten minutes to an hour to kick in. If nothing happens in two hours you can have more."

It took about 45 minutes for Blaine to feel something. He wasn't exactly sure what, it was nothing like he'd ever felt before. A mix of a calm relaxation and an intense euphoria. He let his eyes close for a while, just letting the feeling take over. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled.

"How do the feel?" Puck asked.

Blaine sighed. "Something."

"Good to hear. So, you like it?"

Blaine nodded. "Hey, you should ask Kurt to come."

"Why?"

"Because... I want him. Now."

"I think I know what you mean," Puck said quietly. "Why Kurt though?"

"Because he's hot. Like... Super hot. Even more than Sam."

“Okay. So... You’re gay or something?”

“Duh.”

Puck nodded. “Okay. I don’t think you meant to tell me that. So... Maybe you should go to bed. Okay?”

“But-“

“Close your eyes.” He put a blanket on Blaine. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight...” Blaine closed his eyes. Puck only hoped he’d be down from his high in the morning.


	28. Promise

Luckily, Blaine was feeling good enough to go to rehearsal the next day. He didn't feel great, he was tired and had a bit of a headache, but he didn't want to miss again.

"Hey, Blaine!" Finn called out. "Can we talk?"

Blaine just ignored him. He didn't have the energy to deal with Finn. He wanted to like him, he really did, but he just couldn't. Not after what happened.

"Quit ignoring me!" Finn said.

"Hey, lay off," Puck said, stepping between Blaine and Finn. "He doesn't wanna talk, okay?" Puck and Blaine were never close, but he almost felt like he had to protect him now. After Blaine went to him when he could've gone anywhere, that made him feel much closer to him.

"This is important. And doesn't involve you," Finn said. "Blaine. I'm not asking."

"Go away, Finn," Blaine groaned.

"I know you were dating my brother," Finn said. Kurt looked up and cursed under his breath. "And I know you slept with Sam." Kurt had told Finn about that as well. He knew he shouldn't, but he wasn't thinking. He said it in the heat on the moment. He only hoped Sam wouldn't be blamed for it. Blaine shoved Finn, not doing much damage. Kurt ran over, grabbing Blaine in an attempt to prevent a fight. "What, coming to save your boyfriend?" Finn asked.

"He is not my boyfriend," Kurt said calmly.

"Shut the fuck up, Finn!" Blaine yelled. "Everyone can hear you!"

"You're the fuck up here," Finn said.

Blaine, despite being near tears from that comment, ignored him. He'd heard too many people say that already, including his own parents.

"Blaine, I am so sorry," Kurt said. "I told him everything. I told him about us. I told him about you and Sam. And Sam, I should apologize to you as well. I'm sorry."

"It's not okay, Kurt," Blaine said.

"I mean, I'm not bothered by it," Sam said.

"Shut up, Sam!"

"I'm just saying-"

"Blaine, he doesn't need to shut up. If anything, you do," Finn said.

"Or we could-" Sam said, once again trying to add something.

"Nobody needs to shut up!" Kurt said.

"Guys!" Sam yelled.

"What?" Everyone asked.

"Nothing. I just wanted to say something without getting interrupted."

Kurt sighed. "Okay. Well, I'm sorry."

"For interrupting me?"

"Outing you."

"I'm not gay."

"Sam, you- Whatever."

"But you _could_ apologize for interrupting me."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"You're an idiot, Sam," Finn said.

"I know."

"Can we stay on topic please?" Blaine asked.

"What topic?" Sam asked.

"Finn. And Kurt."

"I agree with Blaine here," Santana said. "Finn, Kurt, I will go all Lima Heights on both of you."

"And I won't stop her."

"I will," Sam said. "Let's not fight."

"All for fighting, raise your hand," Blaine said, raising his hand. Finn and Santana did as well. Then Puck, as well as a few others.

"Wait, guys... No! I was trying to be the hero, and..."

"It's okay, Sam. I agree with you," Kurt said. "Fighting won't solve anything."

But Blaine didn't listen. He shoved Finn again before quickly punching him in the jaw.

"Where is Mr. Schue?" Sam yelled. "We need order! Adult supervision!"

"Calm down, Sam," Kurt said.

"Kurt, they're fighting. This is not a time for calm."

Finn pushed Blaine as well. "Don't touch me!"

Blaine froze up when Finn touched him. Even though he started the fight, he hated whenever someone touched him unexpectedly, especially when it was with the intention of hurting him.

So he ran.

"Blaine, wait!" Kurt yelled, running after him.

"Kurt," Puck said. Kurt stopped and turned around. "Let him go. He needs some space, okay? And I don't think you'd help much anyway."

"Fine," Kurt sighed. He didn't want to to listening to Puck, but it seemed he was right. Blaine was angry at him, and rightfully so. He wouldn't be able to fix this, at least not now.


	29. Once Upon A Time

Blaine didn't want to go back home, but that seemed to be the only choice he had. Cooper wasn't there and probably wouldn't be for a while, but he locked himself in his room anyway. He didn't want to risk dealing with Cooper when he did come home, assuming that ever happened. 

As soon as he closed the door, he broke down in tears. He had no idea what to do anymore, or who he could go to. He knew he needed to stop trusting Kurt, he couldn't keep a secret and that would never change. But he couldn't stop, Kurt was everything he needed, but at the same time, everything he couldn't have. 

Up until now, Blaine never considered the possibility that he was in any way at fault in the relationship. But now he realized that he hadn't been listening either. A simple conversation could have helped both of them, but neither were willing to talk through everything. Instead they'd just argue. 

Was it too late?

Blaine could call Kurt, he could try to talk through everything. Maybe this could be fixed. Besides, there was no reason for Kurt to pressure him anymore. The entire glee club knew, thanks to Finn. 

But if things didn't go so well, Blaine wasn't sure he'd be able to handle that.

He closed his eyes tight. He wanted to sleep, then wake up when everything was okay again, if that time ever came. Ideally, he would fall asleep in Kurt's arms, where he used to feel the safest. The thought of never doing that again only made him cry harder.

Blaine had never felt more alone than he did in that moment. He didn't know who to turn to, he felt like he was bothering everyone. And he felt like the entire glee club hated him, whether it was for skipping so many rehearsals or for being gay. Everyone claimed to be so accepting, but he knew it was all an act. It was only a matter of time before he was jumped again, and he'd probably end up back at Dalton. He loved Dalton, but he didn't want to go back. Even though he liked the school itself, he didn't want to be in the dark place that led him to transfer again.

He wasn't so sure he'd survive it this time.

He had no reason to stay anyway. First it was Cooper, then Kurt. But he lost both of them. 

Maybe Santana, she didn't seem to hate him yet. Sam was a possibility, and Puck too, but he wasn't as sure about them.

But that was it.

And once he inevitably lost them, he'd have nothing left.


	30. Cross

Was there any way Blaine could be helped? Probably not. But he did have one other option - Emma Pillsbury. She seemed to have the answer to every problem, or could at least offer some advice. Even knowing he had someone that was willing to listen would be enough.

He went into her office and looked around at the pamphlets. There were a few that might be helpful, but he didn't want to take them. If he did, there was a chance of Cooper finding them. Then he'd have to have a conversation he wasn't ready for.

Emma came into the office after a few minutes. "Oh, hello there. Do you need something?"

Blaine looked up and quickly backed away from the pamphlets. "Maybe. If you have time."

"I always have time," she said with a smile. "Come, have a seat." She sat at her desk and he sat across from her. "So, what can I help you with?"

"I don't know," he replied. That was true, he really didn't know what he needed. "I just... I don't know who I can turn to anymore. I feel so alone. Like everyone betrayed me, or they just... Gave up, or got annoyed with me." 

"Turn to for what?"

He shrugged. "Anything. It's my own fault that they left, in a way. I wasn't being true to myself. But that's hard to do, especially after... Well, everything... But every time I try to be myself, I lose someone. Then when I don't... I lose someone. No matter what I do."

"So you feel like you have to change yourself for others?" She gathered a few pamphlets. "What exactly are you changing? Your appearance? Personality? Interests?" She laid out a few pamphlets as she spoke, one about body image, one about the need to fit in, one about conformity. 

"Sexuality," he replied. She grabbed a few pamphlets related to that - discovering yourself, acceptance, coming out. "I'm gay. I've known for a long time. Everyone found out at my old school, a bunch of jocks jumped me and my friend at a dance. My parents found out, they left. My brother found out, he ignored me. Kurt was pressuring me to come out, and obviously he had good intentions, but I wasn't ready. He didn't seem to understand that. And he told Finn, who told the rest of the glee club... I think Santana, Sam, and Puck are okay with it, I don't think I lost them yet, but... I can't be sure."

"I'm here," she said. "I'm always here. Okay? If you need anything, feel free to come in. I'll do anything I can for you. And feel free to take any pamphlets you think can help. Is there anything else you need to tell me?"

"I'm just...scared that it'll happen again. What if the football guys find out? And I get jumped again? And I have to transfer again? I don't even think Cooper would let me..."

She took out a pamphlet about dealing with trauma and put that with the other ones she had gathered for him. "If they do anything to make you feel unsafe, come talk to me. But I don't think they will. They were a problem a few years ago. But as far as I know, they're not anymore." 

"So do you think Kurt is right about me worrying too much?"

"No. After everything you've been through, it's only natural to worry." 

"Is it too late to fix things?"

"With Kurt? No, it's never too late."

"I mean... In general."

"Again, it's never too late."

"I'm not so sure about that," he mumbled. "Thank you for your help."

"Do you need anything else?"

"No." 

"Take the pamphlets, okay? And remember, I'm here if you need anything."

"Okay." He picked the pamphlets up, not planning on actually reading any of them, then left. 


	31. Two Households

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief mention of drug overdose

TW: Brief mention of drug overdose

It was the day of the show. They were doing one last run of it before their performance. Blaine wasn't feeling up to it, but had no choice but to come. 

Puck tapped Blaine on the shoulder. "Pharmacy order is in your bag. Remember, it's four doses. Don't take it all at once. Overdosing on this stuff is really dangerous."

Blaine nodded. "Thanks." He had asked for more of the drug Puck had given him a few nights earlier, just in case things went horribly wrong.

After running through act one, the cast sat on the stage while Mr. Schue gave them notes. "Overall, that was very good. I think you'll all do amazing tonight. But I do have a few notes. First... Kurt and Blaine, you're missing something. Passion, maybe. Chemistry. You both seemed off. So, what's going on? Because today isn't the day to slack off."

"We weren't slacking, Mr. Schue," Kurt explained. "We'll do better tonight. We're kind of...not on the best terms. But we won't let that affect our performance."

"It better not," Mr. Schue replied.

After the notes, they ran through the second act. Mr. Schue pointed out that Kurt and Blaine had improved, but still had some things to work on. They still had some time before the show, so they were given a short break.

Blaine took Kurt's hand and pulled him aside. "Kurt, guess what?" Blaine had a huge smile on his face and wide, bright eyed. His excitement almost reminded Kurt of a puppy or young child. He was adorable, Kurt couldn't help but smile a bit. "I talked to Ms. Pillsbury about us. And... I want you, Kurt. And I'm sorry if I wasn't listening. And... Will you run away with me?"

"Run away with you?" Kurt repeated. "Are you crazy?!"

"I'm serious. After the show. Just me and you, forever. We can go to Provincetown, maybe, just like we always wanted."

"We can run away together after graduation. But even then, we're not leaving our lives behind."

"Come on, it'll be fun! We can do whatever we want, we don't have to hide."

"We don't have to hide here, Blaine. I promise you, we don't."

"I'm scared here. I'm scared of getting hurt. Please, just... Think about it."

"No, Blaine. The answer is no." Kurt sighed, then turned to leave. Blaine didn't move, he just watched Kurt go.

Kurt went to talk to Finn. "He's losing his mind," he said.

"Huh? Who is?" Finn asked.

"Blaine! He's talking about running away together after the show!"

"I'm sorry for what I said the other day, by the way," Finn said. "Maybe that has something to do with all this. I shouldn't have told everyone. I should have kept your secret."

"I'm not the one you need to apologize to, Finn."

"I know, but... How am I supposed to talk to Blaine? He hates me now."

"Blaine hates everyone," Kurt said, rolling his eyes. 

"What's going on between you two?" Finn asked.

"I have no idea. I wish I knew... I want to fix things. I really do. But it's just... It's impossible. He's impossible."

"Don't take it all out on him."

"You don't get it. You really don't. I appreciate that you're trying, but... I think you've done enough." Kurt went to the choir room to finish preparing for the show.


	32. Bare

Right before the curtain rose, everyone was gathered backstage, whispering to each other and listening to the audience settle in. Kurt was the only one that was completely silent. He was nervous. Not necessarily because of the performance, he'd been onstage many times. But performing alongside Blaine scared him. He wasn't confident they'd be able to convincingly play lovers, and he was afraid that they wouldn't be able to get through the breakup scenes.

Blaine, once again, grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled him aside. "I thought about it, and-"

"I'm not running away with you," Kurt interrupted.

"I know, and I'll accept that," Blaine replied. "It was a crazy idea. But... Kurt, I want to be with you. This time without you... It's been miserable. All of it. And I did a lot of stupid things. And if I have to stop hiding to be with you, that's okay."

"Are you sure?" Kurt asked. "You don't have to. Really."

"I'm sure. I love you, Kurt. I love you, and I don't care who hears it." Blaine kissed Kurt more passionately than ever. Kurt was a bit confused and he wanted to ask what caused the sudden change, but as soon as their lips met, every other thought went away.

"That's a bit too in character," Rachel said, watching the two kiss. 

"I'm not acting anymore," Blaine said, pulling away. "I'll save that for the stage."

"That's where it belongs," Kurt added.

"Exactly. And this is where I belong," Blaine said, giving Kurt another quick kiss. "With you."

Kurt smiled. "And I belong with you."

"What a lovely couple," Santana said. "Now, I'm sure you're expecting me to insult you, or tell you that this isn't going to work out. But you're wrong. I'm happy for you two. And Blaine, I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Tana," Blaine said. "Can I hug you?"

"I'll allow it," she said, shrugging. He ran over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, nearly knocking her down. "Okay, okay. Calm down," she said, laughing a bit.

"Sorry." He let go of her. "Puck, Sam, you get hugs too." He hugged each of them just as tightly. "And Finn, you too." He gave Finn a looser hug. "I forgive you. And who knows if I would've been able to do this without you?"

"Still not okay," Finn said.

"Oh, definitely not," Blaine said. "But I still forgive you. Just don't do it again."

"I won't. Ever."

"Good." Blaine smiled and went back to Kurt. "Now, let's go out there and blow everyone away."


	33. Queen Mab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug overdose, suicide

The show went very well. Both Kurt and Blaine put on a convincing performance. The only issue was the breakup scenes. They were able to get through them, but not without a few very real tears. 

After the show, as soon as he stepped offstage, Blaine broke down in tears. "Everyone back off," Santana said. "I'll take care of him." She wrapped an arm around Blaine's shoulder and led him out into the hall. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Blaine replied, drying his eyes. "Can you take me into the lobby? I want to see if Cooper's here."

"Yeah, sure." She led him out into the lobby and stayed with him as he looked around for Cooper, leaving when he finally found him.

"Hey, squirt!" Cooper said, pulling Blaine into a hug. "You did great out there. But I do have a few criticisms..."

Blaine sighed. "Coop..."

"I'm kidding! Hey, are you okay? You look like you were crying."

"Just the emotions of the show ending, I guess."

"Ah, I get what you mean... Are you guys doing anything, at least?"

"Yeah, there's a cast party at Rachel's. It's starting soon."

"I'll drive you. Come on." Cooper brought Blaine out to the car and followed Blaine's directions to Rachel's. "Don't do anything stupid, and don't stay out too late. Text me when you're ready to leave. And if any of your friends need a ride, let me know." 

"You sound like a dad," Blaine said, getting out of the car. "I'll be fine. Goodbye, Coop."

"Bye, squirt." Cooper watched as Blaine went inside, then drove away once he got in. 

When Blaine arrived at the cast party, he immediately locked himself in the bathroom. He took out the bags Puck had given him earlier. He didn't have any alcohol, so he hoped water would work. He emptied out each bag into a cup of water, swirled it around a bit to mix it, then drank all of it before joining everyone else.

For a while, Blaine sat on the couch with his head on Kurt's shoulder, not saying a word. He didn't feel anything yet. Then that feeling started to take over again, only more intense this time. Euphoria like he'd never felt before, but at the same time, a level of relaxation he never knew he could reach. He closed his eyes and smiled.

Kurt looked over at Blaine. "Tired?"

"No... Calm." He opened his eyes and looked up at Kurt. "Kiss me." 

"Oh, okay..." He quickly kissed Blaine on the cheek.

"No, not like that..." Blaine pulled Kurt on top of him and kissed him deeply. 

Kurt eventually managed to pull away and sit up. "Not now, okay?"

"Why not? Aren't you the one who wanted to be more open?"

"Yes, but... Not _that_ open."

"Sorry," Blaine said quietly. He moved a bit closer to Kurt and leaned against him. 

"Someone's clingy today," Kurt said, putting an arm around Blaine.

"Is it me?"

"Yes, it is. That's okay though." 

"I'm sorry for being clingy. I just love you." 

"I love you too. And I said it's okay." 

Puck looked over at Kurt and Blaine. He knew what was going on, that Blaine had taken some of the GHB. He knew what this could lead to, and had to explain everything. "Kurt, can you come here a sec?"

"Yeah, sure! Sorry, Blaine. Just give me a second." He managed to get Blaine off and went over to Puck. "What do you need?" Blaine was now leaning against Sam instead.

"It's Blaine. I just thought you should know... He's high. On GHB," Puck said, a bit worried Kurt would be mad. "I gave it to him a few days ago. He's fine, don't worry. But he... He might be euphoric... Relaxed... Kind of...sexual..."

"I'll deal with it," Kurt said, sighing. He wasn't too thrilled about it, but there was nothing he could do about it. 

"Blaine, are you okay?" Sam asked. "Kurt, come here!"

Kurt ran over. "What's going on?"

"I don't know," Sam replied. "He was sitting up, then he just...fell over, and I thought he was laying down, but... I don't think so. Then I helped him sit back up, and he did it again... I think something's wrong. Really wrong."


	34. A Glooming Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug overdose, suicide (the this will be mentioned for the remainder of the fic)

"Blaine, can you hear me?" Kurt asked, pulling Blaine close. Blaine nodded. "Good, good... Okay. Rachel, can we bring him up to your room? He needs to lay down."

"Sure. Follow me." Rachel led them up to her bedroom. Sam carried Blaine, and Kurt, Santana, Finn, and Puck followed. Sam laid Blaine on the bed.

"Blaine, are you awake?" Sam asked softly. Blaine nodded. "He's breathing really slow. And he's cold."

"How do you feel?" Puck asked. Blaine held his stomach and groaned. "Okay. Rachel, call an ambulance. Kurt, can you call his family? Seems like an overdose..." He took his jacket off and put it under Blaine's head, then turned him on his side. "In case he throws up..." 

Rachel called 911 and gave all the information she could. Kurt called Cooper and explained the situation, then said he would call as soon as Cooper would be able to see him. 

"He'll be okay," Puck said when Kurt got off the phone. 

"How can you be sure?" Kurt asked.

"I can't really, but... We can have hope." 

"I guess," Kurt mumbled, laying beside Blaine. 

"Kurt?" Blaine said quietly. 

"Yes, baby. I'm here."

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I do. I love you so much." 

Blaine nodded, closing his eyes. Kurt held him close, his arms around Blaine's stomach so he could make sure he was still breathing. 

"God, can that ambulance go any slower?" Santana said.

"I just called. They'll be here soon," Rachel replied.

"Uh, should we tell everyone else what's going on?" Finn asked.

"Screw them," Santana replied.

"I'll tell them," Rachel said, going back to her basement. 

"How's he doing, Kurt?" Sam asked.

Kurt shrugged. "Same as before." Maybe it was good that nothing had changed. He didn't get any colder, and his breathing didn't slow down any more. He wasn't doing good, but at least he was stable. Kurt just hoped he'd stay that way.

Rachel came back up after a few minutes. "I told them all to stay downstairs. Quinn is waiting outside, she said she'll wave the ambulance down when it gets here. Which will hopefully be soon."

"Hopefully?" Santana asked. "It better be soon!" 

"Calm down, Tana. It will be," Puck said. "And we don't need you getting worked up right now, okay? Stay calm as you can, if not for us, then for Blaine."

"I am calm."

"No fighting the paramedics when they get here."

"Do you really think I'd do that?"

"It was supposed to be a joke. I was trying to lighten the mood."

"I don't think anything can lighten the mood," Sam said. "Except Blaine being okay. Or the ambulance coming, maybe." 

"Blaine?" Kurt said quietly, trying to hide the obvious concern in his voice. "Are you okay? Can you hear me?"

"What's wrong?" Puck asked.

"I-I... I'm not sure if he's breathing," Kurt replied.

"Move," Puck said, running over to them. Kurt quickly let go of Blaine. "I don't think so either." They could hear faint sirens in the distance. "At least the ambulance is close... Maybe it's not too late." 

"I hate to say it, but... I think it is," Kurt said, holding Blaine close again.


	35. Absolution

Two days passed. Kurt was sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office, staring at the pile of pamphlets she put in front of him. They were all about loss, just phrased in different ways. 

"So," Emma said, sitting across from Kurt. "Tell me what happened."

"You know what happened," he replied. "We were at the cast party, Blaine overdosed, he died in my arms while we were waiting for the ambulance." He recalled the events in a monotone voice. he had finally stopped crying after two days, and despite feeling like he had no tears left, he was still trying to hold back whatever emotions he did have.

"And how do you feel?"

Kurt shrugged. He really didn't know. He was never good at describing his emotions, but especially now, he didn't know what he was supposed to say. 

"Well, you're sad, right?"

"Yeah, of course I am."

"Do you feel responsible in any way?"

"Yes. It's partially my fault. I was the one that put all that pressure on him. I hurt him. He trusted me, and... I let him down."

"He loved you," she said, pushing one of the pamphlets towards him. "I think this one will help. It'll teach you to stop blaming yourself."

"Thank you." He didn't plan on reading it.

"Are you sure this wasn't an accident?"

"The paramedics said that with the amount he took, there's no way it was accidental. He knew what he was doing. And I'm sure he'd been planning to for a while. Or at least, he knew he would before he did it. He was crying after the show, I thought it was a bit weird but I didn't question it... I should have. There's a lot I should have done. A lot of signs I should have picked up on. He was counting on me, on all of us, and we let him down. Especially me."

"It's not your fault that you didn't recognize the signs," she said. "Nobody could have predicted this."

He nodded, even though he wasn't sure he believed that. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, honey. That's what I'm here for."

"What happened when he came to see you?"

"Well... He told me he felt alone, like he had nobody to go to. He blamed himself for that though, saying it's because he wasn't true to himself."

Kurt put that idea in his head somehow. He must have.

She continued, "He did mention you. He said you had good intentions, and he knows that."

That doesn't mean what he did was right.

"He was scared of getting hurt," she added. "He asked me if it was too late to fix things, I told him it never is. See, I could be blamed as well. But am I letting that get to me?" She paused. "No, I'm not. It's natural to try to explain this, but I promise, you are not at fault. Okay?"

"Okay."

He didn't believe her. But what was he supposed to say?

Kurt left Ms. Pillsbury's office feeling no better than he was when he went in. He could have stayed longer, talked more, actually explained how he felt, but he wasn't ready to. Maybe one day he would, but not today. Not any time soon. He had to understand his feelings before he could explain them.

He only wished he knew what Blaine had been thinking. What exactly caused this, and if anyone really was at fault. He knew this wasn't the first time he did something like this, and he knew the first time was to avoid getting hurt. He did say he was scared, maybe his fear took over. Maybe he felt like he had lost everyone and had no reason to stay. There were many explanations, and no matter which one Kurt chose, he somehow connected it back to himself.

If he didn't pressure Blaine, none of this would have happened. Nothing could change his mind about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you hate me... Remember this is meant to parallel Bare. So hate the writers of Bare instead :)


	36. No Voice

About a week later, Cooper invited Blaine's closest friends over to the house. He hadn't talked to them in a while, and he wasn't sure they'd been keeping in contact. He felt like it was important for them to all get together, just to check on each other and remind each other that they were still friends and would support each other no matter what. Besides, Cooper felt partially responsible for them. He was an adult, they were all still teenagers. And he wasn't sure if all of them had another adult they could turn to. He felt he had failed Blaine, but it wasn't too late for any of them. 

Only three people ended up coming - Kurt, Finn, and Sam. But it was better than nothing. Everyone went up to Blaine's room, and for a while, they were silent. Cooper was looking at the pictures on the wall, most of them of Blaine and Cooper together. Sam was looking through Blaine's movie collection, remembering the late nights the two spent watching them. Kurt was laying on the bed, hugging Blaine's pillow. And Finn was looking at Kurt, wishing there was something he could do for him.

Cooper was the one to finally break the silence. "So... How is everyone feeling?" Nobody replied. "I'll start. I know it's hard and you'd probably all prefer to just...ignore the topic. But trust me, talking will help. Anyway... I feel... I feel like I could have done more," he explained. "He tried to come out to me. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to react the wrong way. So I ignored him, basically. And I shouldn't have. I should have made him feel heard and accepted, I should have asked what he needed. Especially after I realized that our parents... Well, he thinks our parents left because of him."

"He helped me a lot. To learn more about myself," Sam said. "This is gonna sound really weird, but... I never questioned anything in the past. And Kurt, I'm sure you remember, I used to insist I was straight. But then, Blaine came along, and... I'm not sure. I never would've thought that it was a possibility for me to be something else without him. It's kind of annoying, not knowing who I am, but I'd rather be questioning than completely wrong." 

Finn didn't know what to say. "I... I wish we talked. All we did was...fight, really. It was my fault. And I made a mistake by outing him. A _huge_ mistake. An unacceptable one. But he forgave me. I don't forgive myself though, I won't. I can't. And... That's it. I know I have to say more, but... I don't know. I just don't. I can't find the words. I'm sorry."

"He was my everything," Kurt said. "I loved him more than anything. And...He needed me. He needed support. And all I did was pressure him. I would do anything to go back and fix things. To help him. To listen." He squeezed the pillow tight. "I could go on, but..." He shook his head. "I don't want to talk anymore."

"That's okay," Cooper said. "We all have regrets. We can't fix things with him. But we can help each other, and we will. If any of you need anything, whether it's related to him or not, you can come to me. Just call me and I'll do whatever I can. Feel free to pass that on to your other friends. Give them my number. I would love to do anything I can for you guys."

"Thank you, Cooper," Kurt said. "You have us too. I don't know if there's any way we'd be able to help, but we'd love to. At least I would."

"Cooper, you'll be living alone now, right?" Sam asked. 

"Yeah, I will. I don't want to go back to my parents, and I don't have many friends," Cooper replied. 

"Well, I was looking at the movies, and there's a bunch we never got to. So if you want, you can be my movie buddy."

"I'd love to. Saturday nights, right?"

"Yep, every week. But we can change the schedule."

"Would you be willing to open the invitation to everyone?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"There we go," Cooper said. "So we remember that no matter what happens, we have each other."


End file.
